Hondo: In the first place ...
T HE following is not, a repeat, NOT fake news.
Hondo made the surge of all surges during Week 14 when he sizzled to a 12-3-1 record that enabled him to gain seven games and move into a firstplace tie in the Bettor’s Guide standings with Drew Loftis, who has been colder than Sofia Vergara’s frozen embryos.
Dolphins over Jets: It’s Matt Moore against Bryce Petty — journeyman QB vs. future journeyman QB. Always go with the experienced hand, as Fred Willard says.
Lions over Giants: Eli Manning seems to be morphing into brother Peyton with each passing game. His stats are diminishing — other than his turnovers — which is putting a Big Blue burden on the defense. The question for the Giants is whether Eli can be a good enough game-Mannager to enable the defense to take the team on an extended playoff run like the Broncos’ defense did last season.
Chris Christie trashed Ben McAdoo’s coiffure on WFAN this week, asking: “Do you think Ben McAdoo will get a real haircut if they make the playoffs?” Hondo hears Ben’s barber is in Manhattan, so it probably depends on whether there’s an orchestrated traffic jam on the GWB on the day of his appointment.
Steelers over Bengals: The Bengwads have nothing to play for other than their hatred of the sizzling Steelers, which won’t provide enough motivation to avenge last year’s playoff disaster.
Ravens over Eagles: Madonna was named Billboard’s Woman of the Year, which helped to offset a tough year in which she lost custody of son Rocco and her attempt to sway the election by offering to orally gratify anyone who voted for Hillary Clinton was rejected. The latter setback probably worked out for the best because it prevented what could have resulted in more hanging chads than in Florida in 2000.
Bears over Packers: Lakers coach Luke Walton says the Knicks have all but abandoned the triangle offense, which can’t make Phil Jackson very happy. In fact, emailer William S. says this is the Tex Winter of Phil’s discontent.
Colts over Vikings: The ’Crats and some Repubs have their skivvies in a bunch about Donald Trump nominating Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State, partly because Tillerson received the Russian Order of Friendship Award from Vladimir Putin in 2013. Given the way Putin has been allowed to have his way in the Ukraine and Syria, the frontrunner for this year’s friendship award has to be Barack Obama.
In other cabinet news, Trump nominated Rick Perry for Secretary of Energy, while Jeb Bush also has been given a job in the administration: Secretary of Low Energy.
Trump contends he doesn’t need daily intelligence briefings because, “I’m, like, a smart person.” No doubt. Chances are it won’t be long before El Donaldo, who contended during the campaign he knows “more than the generals,” is providing the daily briefings to the intel agencies.
Browns over Bills: Speaking of Bills, Bill “Big Pharma” Cosby reportedly hopes to land a plea deal that not only will keep him out of jail, thereby preventing any unwanted sexual encounters, but also cure his blindness.
Chiefs over Titans: Hillary complained about the effect fake news had on the election at a farewell party for Harry Reid, who made some fake news himself in 2012 when he leveled the baseless charge that “[Mitt Romney] didn’t pay taxes for 10 years.” It’s not known if Hillary — the Ol’ Sniper-Dodger — was able to see the irony in the situation.
Texans over Jaguars: Even Lyin’ Brian Williams, a founding father of fake news, also jumped on the bandwagon last week, claiming: “Fake news played a role in this election and continues to find a wide audience.” Unfortunately, it’s not wide enough to get him off R-S MSNBC (RatingsStarved MSNBC) and back on the big boy network.
Cardinals over Saints: From emailer BarkingMut, the so be it SoBe correspondent for HondoNation: Rumor has it Hillary, who has plenty of free time on her hands, and her closest female friends plan to tour the world on an excursion they’re calling The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pantsuit.
Falcons over 49ers: After the failures of the recounts and the expected failure of the tampering with the Electoral College, Hillary, who reportedly gorged on pasta this week at Rao’s, will have one final possible path to 270, but it will require a knife and fork.
In other Clinton news, Cigar Aficionado named the Andalusian Bull its Cigar of the Year on Thursday. Bill Clinton says he can’t wait to try one, although he won’t need a light.
Patriots over Broncos: Chipotle announced this week the company no longer will be run by co-CEOs (Chief E.coli Officers). So now when customers are forced to play their own Chipotle post-burrito bowl games, they will know the blame belongs exclusively to Steve “The Big Queasy” Ells.
Chargers over Raiders: The Daily Ruse is running a contest in which the winner receives a trip to the Pro Bowl. Is it any wonder their circulation is tanking?
Cowboys over Buccaneers: A couple of so-so games by Dak Prescott, and Cowboys owner Jerry Jones seems ready to bring Tony Romo out of moth balls. It’s a shame Dallas doesn’t have a general manager willing to stand up to its owner.
“Sunday Fight Football” tumbled from first place in the 2015 overall Nielsen ratings to third place in 2016, right behind NCIS — which conducted an investigation and found Roger Goodell’s DNA all over the SNF carcass.
Redskins over Panthers: A poignant holiday message from Hondo to a young emailer: Yes, Virginia, there is a SantaCon, And maybe one day you, too, can participate in the drunk-fest just as a thousand plastered Santas did last Saturday, leaving behind puddles of puke and urine as they stumbled from one bar to another in an odorous ode to the joyous season.
BEST BETS: Cardinals, Patriots, Cowboys.
THURSDAY: Seahawks (W).