Deck our city’s fine halls
CHRISTMAS. My question for the Three Wise Men: Guys, who’d you have voted for? And my gift wish? An Air Santa flight that takes my second bag free. Or an 8-by-10 enlargement of Anthony Weiner, who needs no enlargement. And forget giftwrapping. Donder and Blitzen could deliver Angelina a Brad Pitt lookalike. For Obama, a stick to roast Republicans on an open fire. Kanye? A professorship at Harvard. Ted Cruz — a friend. Ryan Lochte — a year’s supply of truth serum. Dominique Strauss-Kahn — a chambermaid. Prince Charles — a career. Jennifer Lopez — any guy who graduated kindergarten. O.J.? Oh, who cares? Mel Gibson — Temple Emanu-El seats for the High Holy Days.
With some Palm Beach, Fla., roads closed now, it’s a puddlejump from bridge to bridge to reach Mar-a-Trumpo. And this town’s Trump Tower tenants? Since their home’s become the White House East, elevators aren’t always available.
In Guccis, Puccis and Fioruccis, they’re riding the service lift with garbage. It’s so annoying when your chinchilla gets stuck in an empty yogurt container.
Pols in the spirit
AWASH in joyeux noël spirit, former Mayor David Dinkins: “America’s in deep s - - t.” And New York? “De Blasio’s wife worked for me as a speech writer. This city will be just fine” ... ALSO aglow in the spirit, Jerry Na
dler, who lost 140 pounds, takes 25 pills daily, been in Congress 24 years and is a Democrat: “The election’s a disaster.” And Ho Ho Ho to him, too.
Day in the life
ANOTHER seasonal note. The car that drove me Sunday gets stuck in traffic. My friend calls an Uber. Seconds later, an SUV slams into us. The night was freezing cold. Expecting the car, I’m wearing only a jacket.
Our Indian driver is outside, hysterical. He shouts like it’s my fault.
Central Park wind without buildings to block it is ferocious. Shivering, ice-cold, bumper-to-bumper vehicles, no taxis, it’s dark. We’re on Fifth Avenue, lost.
Finally, a yellow cab. The cabbie says: “I need a favor.” What, I don’t know. I went home and left him to my friend.
ENOUGH with Santa every hour working every different street corner. How can you respect a guy who can’t hold a steady job?
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.