Brooklyn’s new Harry Potter-themed pasta restaurant is a chamber of regrets

PRESTO lame-o! For a new Brooklyn spaghetti joint, being “Harry Potterthemed” isn’t a blessing — it’s an unforgivable curse.

Pasta Wiz, which opened in January, oddly pairs gluten-free, made-to-order Italian eats with a wizard’s lair environment. But fans of J.K. Rowling’s books and movies won’t be spellbound, they’ll be bloody peeved.

When the fast-casual restaurant debuted, the Internet, with its unrelenting glorification of childlike behavior in adults, celebrated the arrival with its usual wit. “There’s now a Harry Potter-themed pasta restaurant in Brooklyn,” exclaimed Entertainment Weekly. Owner Alex Dimitrov egged them on. “We decorated in a Harry Potter-style,” he told Gothamist.

So the fevered Muggle masses crammed aboard the Hogwarts Express — er, the L train — and arrived in New York’s only neighborhood with a pretentious Dunkin’ Donuts: Williamsburg. That’s how I found myself on a gloomy, residential block of North First Street in front of Pasta Wiz. The vibe outside is welcoming, if you’re into lurking at the doors of strip clubs.

Inside, the fan in me was crushed. Tears stained my round-framed glasses. The eatery’s aesthetic is less Hogwarts Castle, more Potter-y barn.

The restaurant, which aspires to be an Italian Chipotle, has two levels, which can seat about 100 customers. Gathered in a corner are some incongruous, vaguely magical knickknacks: a suit of armor, a wooden globe, electric candles, a severed hand, books you can’t read. It’s the sort of hoard you’d find at an antique shop’s going-out-of-business sale. What about Tom Riddle’s diary? A time-turner? A stuffed hippogriff? When asked about the whereabouts of the Potterphernalia, a kind employee told me, “We have a sorting hat!” They do. But that’s about it. At Hogwarts, fictionally located in the Scottish highlands, students nosh on haggis or cornish pasties — not farfalle. In Orlando, at Universal Studios’ Wizarding World of Harry Potter™ restaurant, the Three Broomsticks™, menu items include quintessential British fare such as shepherd’s pie and fish and chips. Harry, Ron and Hermione never magicked up Alfredo sauce. The wizard-Italian combo is truly nonsensical, like putting a meat patty between two doughnuts and calling it a “durger.” Fast-casual Italian isn’t new. Noodles & Co., Panera and Barilla restaurants all serve quick and steamy spaghetti. You can get a personalized plate of pasta on pretty much any corner of the Upper West Side. And it will be better. I tried the Mediterranean Wiz ($11), a textbook mix of black olives, feta cheese, sundried tomatoes and zucchini served on fettuccine. The noodles were rubbery and the feta oozed like the slime of the magical creature known as a streeler. Maybe it’s Potter-inspired after all. 60 North First St.; 718-387-1416