Memo to actors: Give an interesting speech!
SWEARING you’ll never watch the Oscars again is almost as big a tradition as watching them.
It starts out well enough, with an hour or two of beautiful people on the red carpet, the opening monologue, followed by the most histrionic clips from the nominated films.
But then the first winner takes the stage, and the whole thing comes to a halt as she or he unfolds that dreaded acceptance speech.
This year, I’d like to make a humble plea to all the actors who will take the stage Sunday: Leave the thank-you list at home.
Your job isn’t to entertain the audience at the Dolby Theatre, who’ve gathered to celebrate themselves with an orgy of high fashion and air kisses, but the millions of viewers worldwide devoting their night to this bloated affair.
None of us know or care about your agent, publicist and “all the amazing people at [fill-in-the-blank] studio.” Thank them later — send a card, a fruit basket or take out a full-page ad in Variety, if you can afford it (I bet you can).
As far as your family’s concerned: Nobody cares. You may think it’s adorable to tell your kids watching at home to go to bed, but it’s not. Oh, is your spouse the most important person in your life? Lovely, but deeply boring.
When you start naming names, we get up to refill the guacamole bowl.
Here’s what we would like to hear and see from you. One anecdote, well told. An impromptu F-bomb or two. Tears (if not the crocodile variety). Spazziness, if it comes naturally (Roberto Benigni set this bar pretty high). Vague intoxication (ask Sarah Silverman for a bit of whatever she’s carrying in her purse). A heartfelt thankyou to one person who meant something to you or to the film. An impassioned rant (see Patricia Arquette’s plea for wage equality). A dazzling, tone-deaf display of narcissism (hello, James “I’m the king of the world!” Cameron).
Anything, as long as it’s not a laundry list of names.
I think I’ve come up with a solution. Hollywood, outside of the group at the Dolby on Sunday night, consists mostly of aspiring screenwriters. Have one of them write your perfect speech. Emphasize brevity. Pay handsomely.
And you just might find yourself at the top of the Oscars coverage the next day, which is where we all know you’re dying to be.