She’s got the magic Dutch
Inside the supposed utopia where babies are ‘the happiest in the world’
EVERY year or so, a new group gets to reign supreme as the best parents in the world. For a while, the spotlight focused on the French and their ability to get kids to sit still at restaurants (“Bringing Up Bébé,” 2012) and make them eat asparagus and butternut squash (“French Kids Eat Everything,” 2012). Prior to that, it was the !Kung San tribe of South Africa, where mothers nurse 50 to 100 times a day (!) and are known for being able to calm even the most colicky baby in under a minute (“The Happiest Baby on the Block,” 2005). Lately, the Danes have been getting some buzz, with their concept of domestic coziness (“hygge” pronounced hoo-ga), family time and empathy-building (“The Danish Way of Parenting,” 2016).
But in actual fact, the Netherlands has them all beat.
Holland might be small (about the size of two New Jerseys and with a population of 16.8 million), but it has some pretty big boasting rights: A 2013 UNICEF report rated Dutch children the “happiest in the world.” Dutch kids came out on top when compared with those in 29 of the world’s richest industrialized countries (the United States, by comparison, ranked a miserable 26th, just above Lithuania, Latvia and Romania.)
These findings are echoed in the new book, “The Happiest Kids in the World: How Dutch Parents Help Their Kids (and Themselves) by Doing Less” (The Experiment publishing), out April 4.
“Dutch babies were found to be more contented — laughing, smiling and cuddling more than American babies,” write the book’s authors, Rina Mae Acosta and Michele Hutchison.
One of the Dutch national sayings translates roughly to “Just act normal, that’s crazy enough,” as a way of reminding everyone to just relax — and that includes parents. “It’s about accepting yourself for who you are,” write the authors. “Life isn’t Pinterest-perfect, and no one expects you to be perfect. It’s about recognizing that you don’t have to try so hard.”
Acosta is an American who fell in love with a Dutch man and moved to the Netherlands in 2006. She lives in the town of Driebergen with her husband and their two young sons, aged 18 months and 4 years old. Hutchison is originally from the UK and has been living in Amsterdam since 2004 with her Dutch husband and son and daughter, 10 and 12. They based their book on personal experience — both women gave birth in Holland — and research.
The book reveals a stark difference between the parenting styles in America and Holland — and its effects on children. One study published in the European Journal of Developmental Psychology, which is cited in the book, found that “Dutch babies [are] easier to soothe, while American babies [display] more fear, sadness and frustration.” Their babies sleep more, too: At six months, Dutch infants slumbered an average of two hours longer than a comparison sample of American tots, a feat accomplished by putting the child to bed in his/her own crib when they are tired but still awake. The Dutch are big proponents of a regular daily routine, not too much stimulation (i.e., not more than one activity per day), few distractions and a quiet place to sleep. These tips appear in a booklet distributed to all new parents by the Dutch consultatiebureau, a government office devoted to family support and the care and well-being of babies and children under the age of 4.
It can be supremely annoying to read about yet another group of parents apparently crushing it while the US lags. But the good news here is that Dutch parents aren’t doing anything crazy, over-the-top or challenging. According to the book, the national diet is fairly bland (i.e., their 5-years-olds aren’t merrily eating beets and salmon mousse, like French kids). Their children aren’t renowned for behaving particularly well when out dining with Mom and Dad; in fact, in the rest of Europe, they have a bit of a rep for running
around restaurants yelling.
Instead, the secret to their happiness success seems to lie in a combination of factors, say the authors: routine, regular family meals together and allowing for plenty of independence (Dutch kids bikes everywhere.)
Not for them the mania of one-upmanship that can be so difficult for many American and British parents to cast off. Acosta has been living in Holland for 11 years, but her inner “‘Californian overachieving mommy mode’ still kicks in sometimes.” She writes about throwing a third-birthday party for her son last year, complete with decor and a lavish spread (all prepared by her). “My mother in law doesn’t understand why I’m doing so much,” she writes. “But I find it impossible to shake the idea that the more time, effort and thought I put into my child’s birthday party, the more I prove my love for him.”
In contrast, most Dutch children’s birthday parties are laid-back affairs for immediate family and a few neighbors, with cake and a few snacks. The point isn’t the food, the decorations, elaborate bouncy castles or entertainers. It’s celebrating togetherness (to that end, it’s customary to congratulate the parents and grandparents, not just the birthday boy or girl.)
“The Dutch parenting style hits that elusive balance between parental involvement and benign neglect,” write the authors.
“The norm in the Netherlands is simplicity: Families tend to choose simple, low-cost activities and take a down-toearth approach.”
It seems the Dutch are being good parents by chilling out. They eschew the constant micromanaging or stage-directing of a simple playdate or sports practice so prevalent in the US.
And the reason for that is there is not the same national obsession with one’s child being The Best, winning all the medals or being the earliest to read. In fact, the parents Acosta and Hutchison spoke to preferred a de-emphasis on early reading in favor of more time spent playing and exploring in preschool and kindergarten.
“The Dutch definitely do not care if little Sophie or Sem is a piano prodigy, a chess champion or an Instagram model famous by the age of 2,” they write. “There are no Baby Einstein DVDs being played, no black-andwhite flash cards being used . . . the Dutch aren’t concerned about their babies being the smartest. They seem to just want them to be the easiest.”
All this Dutch parenting magic starts, as so many of the best situations in life do, with cookies: About 25 percent of Dutch births take place at home, and are then celebrated with Beschuit met
muisjes (round breakfast rusks, buttered and sprinkled with aniseeds coated in sugar) to celebrate the homecoming of a newborn. In addition to being delicious, the aniseed is thought to stimulate breast-milk production.
Once they start eating solids, Dutch children often enjoy hagelslag for breakfast — a piece of bread with unsalted butter, loaded with chocolate sprinkles. Despite having the lowest obesity rates in the aforementioned UNICEF report — only 8.36 percent of children aged 11, 13 and 15 were characterized as obese — the chocolate sprinkles are a cherished part of Dutch childhood. What a joy to discover that the eternal secret to happy kids just might stem from routine, family time, independence, reasonable expectations — and chocolate sprinkles.
They don’t care if little Sophie . . . is an Instagram model by age 2. — authors Rina Mae Acosta & Michele Hutchison