Football lost in translation

THERE must be a secret mind-control re-education facility, a place broadcasters are sent to parrot long-form, coolfool nonsense.

In one play, at Temple, Saturday (hey, that’s where I spent Saturday, too!), Houston had thirdand-9 from its own 21, we heard this from the ESPN team of Mike Couzens and John Congemi:

Couzens: “[Houston QB Kyle] Postma wants to keep his offense on the f ield.”

Translation: He wants to make a f irst down, which wouldn’t be worth saying in plain football English because it would be both self-evident and extremely silly.

Postma then scrambled, also self-evident, for 10 yards, a first down.

Congemi: “He went north and south; he puts his right foot into the ground and goes north and south!” Nurse!

Earlier, ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit said Florida’s new QB “is finding players who can make plays in space.” That used to be known as being “open.”

The most extraordinary people on earth are found in golf broadcast trucks. These all-knowing supermen demonstrate such spectacular clairvoyance they should be serving our country in far nobler pursuits.

During the Presidents Cup, NBC/Golf Channel came out of commercials, directly to Marc Leishman, preparing to chip for eagle. A moment later, Leishman holed it! Mike Tirico didn’t say anything to the contrary, so this had to be live, right? Incredibly timed live TV, yet again!

Well, maybe it was live, but not likely. TV has so often and for so long conditioned viewers to think — to know — they’re being had that few would believe it if it actually were honest coverage.