Swede nothings
New Yorkers don’t need Scandinavia’s lifestyle advice
AMERICANS are constantly being told the Scandi clan can.
These days, nearly every Scandinavian country is exporting a pretentious lifestyle philosophy like it’s an Ikea Stocksund sofa. There’s hygge from Denmark (touting coziness) and
friluftsliv from Norway (endorsing the outdoors). The latest is lagom from Sweden, which preaches the gospel of “not too little, not too much.”
Each philosophy has its quirks, but they all promise to deliver unparalleled happiness, teach you to cook with dill, turn your home into MoMA and decelerate your hectic days until they move like the sap of a fir tree.
“Everyone could use a bit of slowing down. We’re all living crazy lives. We’re switched on 24/7,” Niki Brantmark, author of the new book “Lagom (Not Too Little, Not Too Much): The Swedish Art of Living a Balanced, Happy Life” (Harper Design, out now), tells The Post. “[ Lagom] is about simplifying and taking your time to do things in an uncomplicated way.”
The problem is, everything about life in New York is complicated. From weaving through the nincompoops at Penn Station to dodging crickets on the D train, an NYC existence is nonstop, neurotic and inyour-face.
Scandinavians, allow us to teach you a thing or two. Put down your lutefisk and lingonberries, snuff out your soy candles and feast your eyes on the Big Apple guide to getting through another damn day — “Scuseme!: The New York Art of Living Your Stressed Life.”
WEAR WHATEVER
Hygge calls for swaddling oneself in comfy sweaters and wool socks. Lagom insists on a uniform of simple outfits in neutral colors. In New York, slap on a tutu, slather your gams in body glitter and French-braid your beard. Nobody cares. Sob uncontrollably while you’re at it, or pretend to gab on the phone while manspreading in a subway tunnel with no cell service.
Scuseme permits you to look and act like a wackjob pretty much anywhere — and feel far better for it.
WALK THIS WAY
On a typical New York sidewalk, wide-eyed tourists — many from Nordic nations — stroll leisurely. Some just stand there, gawking at a creep dressed as a Minion, as motionless as puddles of garbage water stagnating at our intersections. The scuseme philosophy calls for a very different style of walking. Lightningfast hustle keeps us from making eye contact with weirdos (see above). Sprinting to catch the uptown A is imperative . . . because another one won’t roll by for 25 minutes. Once you try scuseme, you’ll see that everybody is walking wrong — except for you.
EMBRACE NATURE’S GIFTS
New Yorkers love nature, and they find it in the most unexpected places. The bush in front of that office building? It’s actually a leafy condo for hundreds of adorable rats. See that pi- geon on the corner? Go one step closer, and it will fly straight into your face and poop on your shoulder — an “avian kiss”! Open a window in your sixth-floor walk-up in the morning and take a sniff. Smell that? It’s a healing blend of air pollution, your super’s Marlboro smoke and the musty morning breath of the Hudson River. Rise and shine.
CREATE A WAKING NIGHTMARE
Sleep is vital to scuseme — especially complaining about how little you get. Party at Club Cumming till 4 a.m., or rewatch episodes of “Stranger Things” until you hear your neighbor’s alarm clock ring through your paper-thin walls. Report to work groggy and defeated, then whine to your co-workers about how exhausted you are. For optimal effect, consult a therapist and/or doctor — a true
scuseme devotee will hire both — in a futile attempt to understand and treat your self-imposed problem.
TRY A DIET RUT
Seek serenity in choosing the same exact quinoa bowl from Pret a Manger every single day. Pretend it is delicious. Praise its too-sharp lemon-shallot vinaigrette and hard, sandy grains. When you’re finished scarfing it down, hunched over your desk like Ebenezer Scrooge, take a moment to appreciate the feeling of fullness in your stomach and the dark emptiness in your soul. That’s New York!