New York Post

Not Singled Out

New Yorkers are thankful to be free to choose

- HEATHER ROBINSON Heather Robinson is a New York-based journalist. Twitter: @HE_Robinson

WHAT are New York’s singles thankful for this season?

Are we thankful to live in a city where each new season brings an influx of men and women to this island of strivers and with them new opportunit­ies for friendship and possibly love?

Or, as the days grow shorter, do we feel the pinch of time at our backs and a sadness as we wonder where we may have missed our opportunit­y or, in the case of those who may have lost love, whether we’ll ever find it again?

And are some New Yorkers simply thankful for the joys of the single life?

Jenny Taitz is a psychologi­st and author of the soon-to-be-released book “How to be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for Your Soulmate.” She says that, according to studies recently conducted at Stanford University, people in relationsh­ips with partners who are “invalidati­ng” tend to be less happy than singles.

“It’s better to be single than in an unhappy relationsh­ip,” notes Taitz. “If someone is dismissing your emotions, that leads to psychologi­cal problems. If, for instance, you want something exclusive and your partner wants something casual, and you stay in it, that isn’t great for your self-respect or your longterm happiness.”

Turns out, even a straightfo­rward matchmaker will agree that if you’re not finding your match, it’s wise to be thankful for your independen­ce.

“Sometimes there is comfort in having a relationsh­ip, even if it’s a bad situation. Often, sadly, it ties to people’s self-esteem, to thinking ‘This is what I deserve,’ ” said Michelle Frankel, the owner of NYCity Matchmakin­g. “When people realize being alone is better than being in an abusive relationsh­ip, or one in which someone is unfaithful or emotionall­y unavailabl­e, that is something to be thankful for.”

Manhattan psychiatri­st Will Winter points out that, whether coupled or single, people who focus on what they have, rather than what they don’t, tend to be happier.

Chats with New Yorkers interviewe­d at random suggest many are thankful for what they have — including good relationsh­ips or, if they’re single, freedom to live on their own terms.

“I’m absolutely thankful to have someone to share the ups and downs with,” said Matthew L., 27, an Upper East Side technology consultant.

“I’m thankful to be married, and for motherhood,” said Christie Griffin, 36, a content marketing editor who lives in Flatiron. “I had no idea how amazing it would be.”

“A lot of people feel pressure to be in a relationsh­ip over the holidays, but I don’t feel that way anymore,” said Patricia, 25, a software engineer. “I’m thankful to be out of a toxic relationsh­ip.”

Some singles stressed the value of time with family. Other New Yorkers say that despite even terrible disappoint­ment in relation- ship outcomes, they are thankful.

Mindy, 38, a strikingly pretty computer engineer who lives on the Upper East Side, was recently shocked to learn that her husband of 15 years, with whom she has three children, wants a divorce because, she said, he “wants to have experience­s outside of [her].”

“Honestly I don’t feel thankful for him leaving me like that with three children,” she said, but “I am thankful for the wonderful years when we were still in love.” She added that she is also thankful for her children and to be rediscover­ing life as a single woman.

“I can finally make myself happy and live more for myself,” she said. “That’s a great part of being single.”

Some are just happy to be free to choose.

“We can be thankful to be free to be in a relationsh­ip of our own choosing,” said Joey Lifschitz, a single, 43-year-old realestate appraiser on the Upper West Side. Cohabitati­on, common-law marriage, remaining single-by-choice as well as traditiona­l and gay marriage, are options. “How many countries and societies don’t have these freedoms?” he said. “It’s a blessing and it’s part of what makes our country special.”

So this year, if relatives ask us singles why we didn’t bring home a prospect for Thanksgivi­ng, let’s gently remind them that romantic freedom — including the freedom to remain single unless, and until, we choose otherwise — is something to be thankful for, too.

 ??  ?? Free bird: Holiday-season loneliness doesn’t afflict the bachelors and bacheloret­tes who feel better off alone.
Free bird: Holiday-season loneliness doesn’t afflict the bachelors and bacheloret­tes who feel better off alone.
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