Chemical bonding
Hormones help women pick good partners and avoid the creeps
Alittle girl who chases boys around the playground and forces them to play house isn’t bossy and “boy crazy” — she’s evaluating what kinds of males make good mates. A moody teen who clashes with her mother (and rolls her eyes at Dad) is becoming independent. Women in their mid-50s and older are more accepting of a wide range of baby faces, because grandmothers are attuned to love all babies, even the ones who look like E.T.
There’s a logic behind the way we behave, which is driven by our hormones. It’s something I call “hormonal intelligence” and it informs all parts of our lives in the most fascinating ways.
This is especially true of mating and dating. Men evolved to prize physical power and dominance as key factors for survival. But while alpha males can be great, some of them evolved into real jerks.
Women, meanwhile, evolved to behave strategically by seeking out certain types of males and avoiding others. Their in-built hormonal intelligence actually helps weed out the bad guys. That’s because women are more risk-averse and less confrontational than men — fewer car crashes and fist fights are just the tip of the iceberg. Research shows that women are especially careful at high fertility. Walk down a dark alley? Most women would think twice any time of the month, but when our hormones are firing on all cylinders we’re even more attuned to danger and we’ll aim to avoid it, particularly when its source is a potentially predatory male.
Yes, some terrible men can foil female hormonal intelligence and slip through the net. But bad men make for bad mates, and women’s hormones send signals that re- inforce that fact, too. Eons ago, women learned that it wasn’t always wise to zero in on alpha males who were also capable of violence, even if they were the healthiest, most handsome specimens. Instead, hormonal intelligence steered women to- ward less dominant but more stable partners. The Sexy Cad gave way to the Good Dad. That doesn’t mean a woman always plays it safe. When fertility is peaking and the chances of conception are highest, my research shows that women feel more satisfied with their appearance, say they’re more interested in going out to meet men and choose more provocative clothing.
At the same time, women who already have a sexual partner feel more powerful in their relationships when they are at peak fertility and may even become more flirtatious with other men.
(But just because your wife leaves a large tip for the waiter who looks like George Clooney doesn’t mean she’s planning to run off with him. It could just be a twinge of ancestral mate shopping efforts.)
Men have hormonal cycles, too. Testosterone rises when a guy encounters a male “competitor,” particularly if his romantic partner is nearby — and especially if she is at high fertility. That may explain why you want to punch the handsome waiter, though you’ll probably just give him a dirty look.
There are, of course, times when women feel the opposite of sexy. Following the birth of a child is one major period of lessened libido, and it makes sense. Millions of years ago, it was important not to get pregnant again too quickly — and to prioritize that vulnerable infant in need of so much care. Even today, that seems like a smart strategy.
As womenknow, being called “hormonal” is hardly a compliment. But I think it should be one, especially these days. Our hormonal intelligence is why the human race has survived and thrived — no matter how confusing we often seem to each other.