GETTINGBUSY
Between climbing the corporate ladder and caring for kids, couples are finding little time or energy for sex. But, experts say, scheduling regular appointments can be a turn-on — and help a relationship
I N 2006, Lisa Concepcion had time for everything but sex with her husband. She had a fulfilling career as a publicist in Manhattan, regularly worked out and often had events to attend after work.
“Our schedule was like a rat race — we wake up, commute to work, afterwork obligations — and by the time we saw each other we were exhausted,” Concepcion, now a 46-year-old dating coach based in Miami, tells The Post. “Sex was not on the top of our list.”
It reached a point where Concepcion and her husband were only making love once every other week. Concepcion decided to take action.
“I said that we have to be mindful to have sex every weekend — whether [he’s] initiating or I’m initiating.”
Their relationship took a turn for the better.
“When it was the weekend we’d go out longer, we entered the weekend with less stress, and [we were] more playful knowing that sex [was] on the agenda,” Concepcion says.
While the idea of putting sex on the calendar might strike some as unromantic, relationship experts say it can be a great thing for busy couples.
Fran Walfish, a psychotherapist based in Beverly Hills, Calif., advises scheduling intimacy for couples who have kids under 10 years old, or struggle with different sexual appetites and stressful jobs.
“They put more of their libido into their careers and work, and when they come home, they’re overcome with exhaustion,” she says.
Research has shown that sex is vital to the health of a relationship. A 2015 report published by the University of Toronto Mississauga in Ontario studied 30,000 Americans and found that couples who had sex less than
once a week were less happy in their partnerships, and that sexual frequency was more important than money when it came to maintaining happy relationships.
Walfish says that a monogamous couple in a long-term relationship should be having sex at least once a week.
“Anything more than a space of seven days apart requires a reacquainting time, it requires a re-establishing of that trust,” she says. “Once you go past seven days, then it’s very easy to say, ‘Oh, it’s been 10 days. Oh, it’s been two weeks.’ ”
Even celebs are considering blocking off sexytime. In the March issue of Health magazine, Jenna Dewan Tatum says that, because of their Hollywood careers and having to raise their 4-yearold daughter, she and her husband, Channing, have to make an effort to fit intimacy in.
“We have not yet scheduled sex, but we do schedule time together, so maybe that is sort of scheduling sex. We will go away for a weekend to get time, but we have no real regimented schedule,” she told the magazine. “I have friends who do this [schedule sex]; it’s on the calendar. We’ve never done that — it might actually be a good idea.”
It was for Concepcion. Although she and her husband eventually divorced, she thinks making their sex life a priority helped prolong her marriage, and she now encourages her clients to schedule intimacy.
In 2016, she advised Mario and Jeanine, a couple in their 50s who found themselves in a dry spell after raising three kids in their Bay Ridge home.
“They were attracted to one another still, and loved one another, but felt their bond [was] more about the kids, business and the long list of life’s todos,” Concepcion says, “They started bickering a lot more ... Sex went out the window.”
The spouses couldn’t recall the last time they’d had intercourse, but Concepcion told them they had to do it every weekend. It worked.
“They said that the quality of [their sex life] was far better, and there was a positive energy in the house overall,” she says.
For partners planning to start making appointments to get busy, Walfish suggests making a verbal agreement, but not whipping out the day planner.
“Writing it down gets too distant. It shouldn’t be a contract like cleaning or chores,” she says.
And to keep things consistent, always schedule on the same day, but be flexible about times of the day depending on your partner’s mood and work schedule.
And, even though the practice can take away from the spontaneity of romance, there are ways to still have an element of surprise.
“When you do get together for your date, you don’t have to jump — bam — right into bed,” she says. “You can try something new — get fragrant candles, take a shower together, make love in the shower, change up the environment and add excitement to the mix, so it’s not just a routine.”
And scheduled hookups, Walfish says, can lead to unscheduled good times.
“Sex can become intoxicating,” she says. “Once it’s scheduled, it becomes a part of your regular life. A lot of people can develop a desire for it once it becomes weekly. Then, they miss it when it’s not there. It has an intoxicating effect, like alcohol.”