WORKING OUT THE 'KINKS'

The steamy, still-evolving saga of a vital bit of BDSM etiquette: the safe word

THOUSANDS of years ago, in dusty temples across what is now modern-day Iraq, legend has it that an ancient Sumerian goddess forced her followers to bow before her.

Adorned in jewels and battle armor, the beautiful young deity Inana was said to have a seductive prowess that mesmerized gods, kings and servants alike — and led them to degrade themselves for her pleasure.

Her worshippers would strip naked and throw their bodies on the floor, do ritualistic dances — and get whipped — all to please the violent and calculating goddess. As Inana’s followers screamed in pain, they would beg her for “mercy.’’ When they uttered the word, the torture would stop, according to ancient writings — making “mercy’’ the first-ever known “safe word.”

A “safe word” is a term used in BDSM — or bondage/domination/sado-masochism — by the submissive person to stop the action when it gets to be too much.

But given the nature of some BDSM practices — including those that inflict pain over the protests of a submissive — the use of safe words can get complicated, particularly among amateurs, because it’s not always clear to both parties when “no means no,’’ practitioners say.

Today’s #MeToo movement, and the issue of consent, has only put more of a spotlight on the need for safe words, experts say.

Safe words are designed “so you can actually feel comfortable with your partner and say, ‘Let’s try this, but when I’m starting to get anxious or when it doesn’t feel comfortable, I want us to be able to stop,’ ” Dr. Charley Ferrer, a clinical sexologist who bills herself as “America’s BDSM expert,” explained to The Post.

But “consent ends the minute someone says their safe word,’’ Ferrer said.

“Whether it’s kink or vanilla [sex], any time that’s said, anything after is criminal.’’

SAFE words have come a long way since Mesopotamia.

Today, the most common safe words revolve around the traffic light.

A submissive is supposed to say “green” when everything feels good and he or she wants their dominant partner to keep going.

“Yellow” is for when it’s getting to be a little too much and the dominant needs to slow down but not stop immediately.

“Red” is a hard stop.

But lately, more unusual safe words are becoming increasingly popular.

According to a recent study on the most common safe words by the adult-toy company Lovehoney, right below “red” were “pineapple” and “banana.”

Michal Daveed, a representative for the nonprofit BDSM/leather/ fetish group The Eulenspiegel Society, says we have pop culture to thank for the new crop of safe words.

Amy Schumer’s 2015 comedy “Trainwreck” includes a particularly awkward sex scene with a younger partner who tells her, “My safe word is pineapple.”

In an episode of “Family Guy,” husband and wife Peter and Lois dress themselves in leather, masks and other traditional BDSM garb while discussing issues about their children. Lois then tells Peter, “the safety word is banana” before pushing him on to the bed.

Of course, Anastasia from “50 Shades of Grey” also had a catchy safe word: popsicle.

But Katie, a 25-year-old admissions counselor at a major East Coast university, and her boyfriend, Mark, 30, (both using pseudonyms) didn’t look to movies and TV for help.

“Our safe word is donut,” Katie told The Post, giggling.

“Funnily enough, we came up with that word after Mark told me a story once about his mom when she was ready to have the sex talk with him.

“He remembers being like 8 years old in the back seat of the car, and his mom is looking at him through the rear-view mirror and she’s like, ‘Do you know what this is?’ and he’s like, ‘Yeah, Mom, it’s the hot dogs and donuts!’ ”

Katie, who lives in Westchester County, admitted that, at first, she was a little worried that a word like “donut” would kill the mood.

“I was like, ‘Oh, my god, if I ever have to say this, I won’t be able to say it with a straight face’ . . . I thought we were going to burst out laughing in the middle of having sex,” she said.

But when she actually had to use it — during a choking session that went a little too far — Katie said the word proved invaluable.

“It’s not that I don’t trust him, and not that I would ever think he would do something,’’ Katie said. “But there are so many things that could go wrong if you don’t have safe words and trust with each other.”

In fact, things can go terribly wrong, according to a Manhattan lawsuit that involves an escort and former Soros fund portfolio manager Howard Rubin.

The plaintiff says she agreed to a night of dinner and drinks — no sex required — with Rubin in exchange for $2,000.

But in a scene straight out of “50 Shades of Grey,” the much older Rubin proceeded to introduce the woman to his “dungeon-like ‘toy room’ ” and trove of bondage toys, she says.

Soon he was allegedly tying her wrists and promising that, if she needed a way out, she just had to say their safe word: pineapples.

Except, Rubin didn’t listen when she called it out, the woman says. He ended up beating and raping her, according to her suit.

Rubin “categorically denies all the allegations of misconduct,’’ his lawyer has said.

WHILE safe words have their roots in ancient times, they are still a relatively new occurrence in the modern era, BDSM experts say.

Master R — the founder and former headmaster of “the world’s oldest BDSM training chateu,” the Berkshires-based La Domaine Esemar — was a “professional submissive” in New York City during the late ’60s and active in the BDSM scene throughout his adult life.

But he said he never encountered a safe word in his early BDSM days.

“I saw horrible things,” Master R, 68, said. “There were no safe words.”

At the time, he worked for a master who sold young men like himself to wealthy New York women who were sexual dominants.

“He had given me to two women who about two weeks later took one of my coworkers and tied him to a shower stall, and he was scalded so bad he had to go to the hospital,’’ Master R said.

“I said to my master, ‘I’m done, this is crazy.’

“There was so much unsafe [stuff] going on. It was, ‘ Do what you were told’ or you got out.”

Enter the “Safe, Sane and Consensual” movement.

The effort was started by The Eulenspiegel Society, founded in 1971 and the oldest S&M organization in the US.

“In order to live these fantasies, we need to create rules to keep us safe,” Daveed said. “Safe words, as a formal safety measure in kink, arose in the 1970s and popularized from there.” The society held a meeting right out of the

gate to figure out how to live out members’ desires safely.

“They sat down, and masochists were able to articulate for the first time that we like people to do things to us that are in some contexts considered bad or unsafe,’’ Daveed said.

“But we know that it can be loving and consensual, so we need to be able to define how that works and how to continue to make that work and organically, a system of codes and guidelines for behavior started to rise.”

It’s still an ongoing process, she said.

Today, “conversations about consent and safety in the kink community” are fervently discussed by practitioners, especially in the context of the #MeToo movement, Daveed said.

“Increasingly these days, kink organizations . . . are stopping and asking themselves, ‘ What can we do, and what should we do, when there’s a consent violation that happens in our space?” she said.

“[They] are starting to ask really big, really difficult but really worthwhile questions about safety and the safety mechanisms we have to this point. Are they enough?”

JESS Wilde, a bondage expert and sex educator from Lovehoney, said that having a safe word, and honoring the word when it’s called, is especially important for BDSM, where “no” and “stop” can often mean, “Yes, keep going.”

“There are a lot of people who enjoy rape fantasies where ‘stop’ and ‘no’ don’t work and may be part of the scene and the script . . . Those situations, you need something different, like unicorn,” Wilde said.

“If you squeal out ‘pineapple’ during sex, it sticks out like a sore thumb, and all parties immediately know that isn’t part of sexytime talk, and we need to stop what we’re doing. It can’t be mistaken for a word that’s being used in role play.”

All of the experts The Post spoke with said that engaging in play without a safe word or without a conversation about consent can be extremely dangerous.

But, it’s not all about safe words, and certainly not about silly ones, said Mistress Couple, the current headmistress at La Domaine Esemar.

She said BDSM isn’t a joke. Without the proper communication and trust, a raunchy role play scene could end up being a traumatic moment of rape and torture.

“In order to trust someone with your life, essentially, I hope you’d build trust with them first like you would with any other relationship,” Mistress Couple said.

“[BDSM] isn’t some taboo silly thing about being tied up and hit a lot until you blurt out, ‘banana.’

“It’s more about creating a safe, intentional space to explore your dark or shadow side with a trusted partner.”