LOTS TO UNPACK?
TTry pre-move-iin couplesl therapy h
A FTER two years of doing a New York City “long distance” relationship — between Bushwick and the East Village — happy couple Darlene, 29, and Philip, 31, decided to move in together.
But before welcoming Philip onto her lease, Darlene had one request: couples therapy.
For millennials, pre-move-in counseling is becoming the new premarital counseling. It makes sense: With marriage rates declining steadily — down 22 percent from 1960 to 2016, per the Pew Research Center — and living in sin up 29 percent over the past decade, according to census data, moving in together may be the biggest step young couples ever take. So millennials like Darlene and Philip, who declined to disclose their last names for professional reasons, are taking the move seriously and calling in the pros.
Like conventional premarital counseling, which can entail anything from religious classes to one-on-one talks with a secular officiant, pre-move-in counseling helps couples iron out their issues and air their anxieties ahead of a huge change.
“Some couples come in for insight, others come in for an overhaul of their relationship,” Susan Plunket, a therapist based in Greenwich Village, tells The Post. In recent years, she’s seen a rise in young clients booking premove-in sessions — a spike she attributes to sky-high rent and millennials’ attitudes toward shacking up, which she describes as “less bound by convention” than previous generations’. Typical hot topics include finances and maintaining personal space.
For Darlene and Philip, mismatched schedules were their biggest hurdle. She has a 9-to-5 job, while Philip works a night shift and likes to end his evenings out on the town with friends.
“He doesn’t want to have a curfew, but for my personal well-being, I should be able to sleep knowing when he’ll be coming home,” she says.
They reached a compromise during their first appointment: He would come home by a set time, but not too early — 2:30 a.m. He’s stuck with it since. Darlene feels like the session has strengthened their bond. “Just the act of going with me shows he cares about the relationship,” she says.
Some couples need a little more time on the couch. Take one pair of Plunket’s clients: an American woman and Greek man in their 20s. Although they have a passionate relationship, the man’s family back home is pressuring him to marry a Greek woman.
“He loves her, but the pressure from his family is too much,” Plunket says. With her help, the star-crossed pair is trying to make it work. He’s planning to talk to his family — and they’re looking at apartments in predominantly Greek neighborhoods.
Looking to move in with your significant other? Experts say there are key factors to consider.
The first is your reasoning for making the move. Gregory Petronzi, a psychologist who specializes in premove-in couples therapy, hates seeing couples merge addresses due to “an external situation — financial, family or sociocultural pressure,” he tells The Post. He stresses that the only reason for two people to move in together is that they both want and feel ready to.
It’s also important to make sure you and your partner are on the same wavelength about what the move means. Does one of you want to get married, while the other isn’t interested in doing so? If your “desires for the outcome are different,” you’re not moving forward, but “delaying the inevitable,” says psychologist Elinor Bock, who works in Midtown.
Darlene, for one, is glad that she and Philip booked a session before taking the apartment plunge — and that they have another meeting penciled in ahead of their move-in date.
“I think there’s a stigma with therapy,” Darlene says. “But the act of going together shows a real effort and commitment. Moving in is the next big step in serious relationships. It makes sense to check in with a therapist.”