UPSIDE DOWN
VER seen what an infant does to a bowl of spaghetti with chocolate pudding for a nightcap?
That’s what ESPN, at great expense, preparation, promotion and half-athimble’s thought, does to every sport it touches.
ESPN’s demolitionists went to work Saturday afternoon when its college football studio aired footage of a pregame Michigan-Michigan State turf war that resembled a prison-yard riot on the boil prior to the start of the sanctioned turf war between hate-fueled, adultguided student-athletes.
When the group hassle ended, Michigan linebacker Devin Bush ripped free of his teammates’ restraints and, like a crazed, escaped beast, ran to the on-field Michigan State logo to tear and scrape at it with his cleats. Disturbing, sick. The reaction from the ESPN studio? Delight! Adnan Virk and Joey Galloway even laughed. Pity they missed the re
ally fun stuff. At roughly the same time in Burlington County, N.J., one of those now dime-a-dozen brawls exploded among coaches, parents and players at a youth league football game. The police were called, 911.
But again, that’s now so common it’s barely worth ESPN’s attention except for the laughter. It’s not worth mentioning that kids’ rec league and high school sports are running dry on trained game officials because they can’t suffer what sports, in the hands of new-breed, TVnurtured young adults, have become.
During the North Carolina State-Clemson game on ESPN, a colorful bar graph showed N.C. State’s weekly increase in running yardage.
Week 3 showed the Wolfpack to have run for 125 yards against West Virginia.
Fascinating. There was no West Virginia-N.C. State game; it was lost to Hurricane Florence.
ESPN and ABC’s Penn State-Indiana game was appealing only because Indiana kept it close. With 1:53 left in the half, fourthand-1 from Penn State’s 11, the Hoosiers chose to go for it, but with a perfection-demanding fade pass into the end zone. As opposed to kicking a field goal or trying to make a first down, it was a crazy call.
But moments later, when sideline man Todd McShay spoke with Indiana coach Tom Allen, he didn’t ask about it.
That night’s Ohio StatePurdue telecast was mutilated as per ESPN’s excesses. With Purdue winning, Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbstreit took turns speaking grout and spackle: someone on Ohio State “has to step up” or “dial up a play.”
At 21-6, Purdue, thirdand-10 for OSU, a graphic noted the Buckeyes’ thirddown conversion percentage for the season was 49 percent, but that night it was 8-for-15.
So if it was better than average in this one, how was Ohio State losing, 21-6? Meantime, TV will always have us believe that third-and-10 is the same as third-and-1. Any stat at any time.
ESPN also posted a large graphic that was covered —
covered — with multi-colored dots. This, we learned, was Ohio State’s “Pass Plot Entering Tonight.” Given 15 minutes rather than 15 seconds to decode it, let alone draw an enlightened conclusion, was a task assigned by fools.
But ESPN, paradise selfdestroyed, would have it no other way.