Bet the ranch I’m exhausted

THANKSGIVING. A holiday. For everyone but me. Being a turkey, I worked. I gave a lecture at Canyon Ranch in Lenox, Mass. That’s north. And cool? In comparison, Santa’s workshop felt like Miami.

Great for fitness, wellness, spirituality, cleansing body and soul and a few dollars, it’s cardio and gymnasts, breathing and exercises, hikes and tai chi, plus pilates, yoga, squash, racquetball, basketball, tennis, swimming, energy therapies and classes on strengthening whatever’s musculoskeletal health.

It’s a spa, massages, beauty treatments, diet recipes. They’ve got saunas, steam rooms, whirlpools, balanced menus and whatever’s Ayurvedic treatment.

They do sleep medicine, high ropes adventures, Life Management, Spiritual Wellness. It’s come in like King Kong, go out like Cate Blanchett. Priyanka Chopra’s marrying Nick Jonas. He’s 26. She’s 36. Who knows where she’ll get that strength? When Our Father who art in heaven gave out the athletic gene, I was on the waitlist. My bones don’t hike, run, sprint or bend. Just opening the New York Post I get winded.

One class on digestion taught dysbiosis, which who knew we had, and microbiome as well as probiotics plus prebiotics plus psychobiotics. Also, we should all be aware of hypochlorhydria. This class I didn’t take. My idea of a Lucullan feast is white bread under a brick of Skippys. Despite Bergdorfs, Bloomys, Mad Ave, Saks Off ’s Black Friday giveaways, shops in this Lenox town stayed empty. Forget names like Fendi, Missoni, Balenciaga, Bottega Veneta. We’re talking Banana Republic, Michael Kors, Coach, Cole Haan, Chicos, Gap, Talbots. Most had the same things — handbags, puffer coats and few shoppers.

But up the road was Detox Acupuncture, Therapeutic Qi Gong, Acuphoria, Medical Gait, Acutonics, Therapeutic Energy with Aquatic Therapy, Polysomnography, Dexa Body Composition, Cardiometabolic with Pulmonary Function Testing and Nutrigenetics. Shove bags and puffer coats. Canyon Ranch was busy.