Loud, not clear
Only explanation for inane TV blather: Viewer are being punished by nets
I FINALLY figured it out. It’s the only remaining logical explanation. We’re being punished! For what, I don’t yet know. But I’m working on it.
Meanwhile, the punishments grow in volume and severity. How else to explain why Fox’s Chris Spielman spent Sunday’s Giants-Eagles game lecturing about plays “in space” and in a “vertical” direction?
He eventually violated the Geneva Convention, with this about the Eagles: “They have had problems creating space and getting open. No vertical threats besides Zach Ertz. And when your tight end is your biggest vertical threat, you don’t have a vertical threat.”
Do such telecasts come with final requests? A last meal for the condemned? If so, don’t make a fuss; I’ll have anything left in the kitchen.
Saturday on ABC/ESPN, a common play that needed no explanation — Florida State linebacker DeCalon Brooks jumped and knocked down a pass by Florida’s Feleipe Franks — led to this punishment from analyst Greg McElroy: “Coming off the edge, no one accounts for Brooks, so he goes vertical and slaps down the pass. That’s one Feleipe would love to have back. He just couldn’t negotiate a throwing lane.”
What? No! Don’t call the Governor! I’m ready to go. Tell my kids I love them!
On CBS, during the opening possession of AuburnAlabama, unnecessary roughness was called on Crimson Tide running back Josh Jacobs, pushing his team back to its 12-yard line.
But analyst Gary Danielson, who has become a bad-is-good panderer, said this meets with his understanding and approval.
“That’s just the way Josh plays,” he said. “He is a fun, what did Nick Saban say? ‘He’s like a demon out there.’ ” Then Danielson and partner Brad Nessler chuckled.
That’s just the way he plays? Dirty? He just cost his team 15 yards? Mirth and merriment!
Soon, two more flags for unsportsmanlike conduct — three in six minutes — made pandering a bit more burdensome.
Then there are those who specialize in late, no-kidding assessments. Every Monday night, ESPN’s Booger McFarland, from his ludicrous Rubber Booger Buggy, tells us whether it was a good or bad play-call — after the play.
Saturday, Ohio State, with two timeouts left in the first half, had second-andgoal from Michigan’s 2 when the Buckeyes, off a run, were stopped at the 1, then called time.
On Fox, analyst Joel Klatt reasoned — and well — that Ohio State should have passed. He had ample time to say that prior to the run, but withheld his wisdom until after the play failed.
Monday night, with the Titans down 14 to the Texans at the start of the second half, Jason Witten and McFarland three times said the Titans defense “needs to get a stop, here,” — now aka “gotta get off the field” and before that “force a punt” — flaying us with three servings of say-anything filler barely worth one.
Equally oppressed reader Jack Seaman: “At the next ESPYs, the Lifetime Achievement Award should be to the guy who invented the mute button.”