Immoral support?
We vow to stand by our partners in sickness and in health. But Alzheimer’s is changing what that means
IT’S very complicated.
In December, Dan Gasby, the 64-year-old husband to former model and restaurateur B. Smith, ignited a firestorm when he shared a photo of himself with his girlfriend, Alex Lerner, on social media with the caption “‘Hate it or Love it!’ You can debate, but for me I’m just feelin’ great!”
Gasby, a former TV exec, has been caring for Smith since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2013, and his revelation that he also has a girlfriend elicited harsh criticism from her fans. A Washington Post piece published last week profiling the family and their life in East Hampton sparked further outrage, but Gasby defends his relationship with Lerner.
“I am doing what my wife asked me to do: living my life. I can still care for B., and also have happiness thanks to Alex,” he told “Today” on Wednesday. He also noted that not all of the reactions have been critical. “For as many negative comments that I have received, I also have heard from people thanking me for shining a light on a complicated marriage with a partner as caregiver.”
Taking care of a spouse with Alzheimer’s or other types of dementia “can take a severe emotional, physical and financial toll,” Ruth Drew, director of information and support services for the Alzheimer’s Association, tells The Post. “Compared with caregivers of people without dementia, twice as many caregivers of those with dementia indicate substantial emotional, financial and physical difficulties.”
To cope, some caregivers find support in the form of a romantic partner — as Eric Reeves did with his now-wife, Tami, when they first started dating in 2007. Eric’s wife at the time, Gaye, was in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s after being diagnosed with the disease in her 40s. Eric was depressed, drinking, riding his motorcycle reck- lessly and not monitoring his diabetes. His daughter saw how much pain he was in — so she set up an online dating profile for him.
“She hated seeing him like that,” Tami, 56, says.
A few minutes into their date at a Starbucks in Colorado, where they lived at the time, Eric, now 66, explained his situation to Tami. A nurse who grew up with two deaf parents, she was sympathetic and supportive.
“I was drawn in by his sadness,” she says. “There was an instant attraction between us.”
Their relationship progressed as Gaye’s condition deteriorated. Tami regularly visited Gaye in the nursing home, often on her own, never explaining who she was. Gaye was nonverbal and in a wheelchair at that point, but Tami says she refrained from showing Eric affection in front of his wife after she once saw a glimmer of jealous recognition in her eye.
“When she looked up at me, she acted like she wanted to get up and beat the crap out of me,” Tami recalls. “I just remember feeling like, ‘There’s something in there that’s still recognizing something here’ . . . From then on I would never let her see me sitting next to [Eric].”
Gaye passed away in early 2010, and Tami and Eric married six months later, at his daughter’s urging. The couple now lives in Germany, where they moved in 2013 for Eric’s work as an electrical engineer on a military base. Tami says Gaye will always be a part of their lives, and she wrote a book she self-published about her experience called “Bleeding Hearts.”
“I have a picture of her in the house right now. I’ve always included her,” she says. “I don’t feel like she is separate from us.”
Nadine, a medical professional caring for her husband with Alzheimer’s in North Carolina, knows some might criticize her decision to date, but she doesn’t care.
“You can judge all you want, but until you’ve been in my shoes, [you can’t understand it],” says Nadine, who declined to give her last name for privacy reasons.
Her husband was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s two years ago at age 64 with no family history. To process the devas- tating news, Nadine read up on the disease and its various stages — and resolved that she wouldn’t let her husband’s diagnosis mean the end of her life. Initially, the couple made travel a priority, visiting Hawaii, New Orleans and elsewhere. But this past November, it became evident that his disease had progressed rapidly, and travel became too much for him. So, Nadine took another step to preserve her happiness: She started dating.
“I’m 56, I know my husband’s gonna die,” says the mom of three sons in their 20s. “I really just sat down and said, ‘I need an adult relationship. I need to talk to somebody.’ Girlfriends are great . . . [but] I need a real connection.”
For the past month, she’s been regularly seeing a gentleman in his 60s whom she met online and who lives about 45 minutes from her. They get together in person once a week and text in between.
“He’s very supportive and understands my situation . . . I was faithful throughout my marriage up until [this] point, so it wasn’t an easy decision, but for me to have a life, I needed [this],” says Nadine, who’s found little comfort in support groups, as most people her age have parents — not spouses — with Alzheimer’s. “[My husband] is not the man I married in any way, shape or form. He is at the point now where he calls me Mom.”
While her new relationship is in its early stages, she’s hopeful about where things might go as she continues to care for her husband, whose condition is quickly deteriorating.
“We may get two years, four years. It’s just going to get worse,” she says. “Some days it’s hard to be happy, but I try to always smile and find the good in the situation. Part of that is looking after me.”
If you are an Alzheimer’s caregiver looking for support, visit ALZ.org, or call the 24/7 helpline at 800272-3900.