Don’t Love Me as I Am
Bad advice that keeps us lonely
AS Valentine’s Day approaches, there’s an uptick in inspirational memes posted to social media. There’s Bill Murray pointing at you to let you know that “you’re awesome.” Or Leslie Knope, a character on “Parks and Recreation,” celebrating womanhood on Feb. 13, a holiday she calls “Galentine’s Day” that has now become an actual, off-screen holiday for women.
This explosion of memes owes to the fact that Valentine’s Day traditionally bums out single people, who post uplifting messages to each other to survive the dreaded “V-Day.”
But the worst, and arguably most popular, of these memes is the one that proclaims: “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
The line is attributed to Marilyn Monroe, though there’s no evidence Monroe ever actually said it. Sometimes the quote is cut to just the last line, and it’s usually accompanied by a picture of a smoking-hot Monroe, oozing sex appeal and challenging anyone to not want her at her worst.
It’s a deeply damaging idea. For one thing, none of us is Marilyn Monroe. For another, the idea that we don’t need to change anything about ourselves and are perfect just the way we are can hinder finding a good partner and a healthy relationship.
The “I’m-perfect-just-the-way-I-am” mantra doesn’t just apply to women, of course. They just telegraph it with memes in a way that men don’t. But both sexes are guilty of being a little too into themselves to find a mate.
So what can you change about yourself to find love?
A 2013 study on dating by Match.com looked at what is important to both sexes when trying to find a mate. At the top of the list for both were nice teeth. You don’t have to be like Danielle Bregoli, the “Cash Me Outside” girl who reportedly spent $40,000 on fixing her teeth.
Invest $20 in a teeth-whitening kit. Floss. Don’t wait for someone to be OK with your bad oral hygiene because Monroe might have said your partner should love you as you are.
Second on the list of important items for both sexes was good grammar. Take pride in speaking and writing correctly. Google for some easy grammar tips. Learning the difference between “your” and “you’re” will only enhance your awesomeness.
A study from before the 2016 election had political alignment as a low priority on the list of things singles looked for in a partner. Then came Donald Trump. The same study in 2018 had more than half of respondents considering someone’s politics when deciding who to date.
But politics shouldn’t be central to your life, and it certainly shouldn’t be central to your dating. If your values align, but the idea of dating someone with opposing political beliefs repels you, that’s something you should work on. Plenty of amazing relationships exist even when one person wants lower taxes and the other wants higher taxes.
Our tendency to pile on the derision when we disagree with someone has now migrated to dating. We now dismiss potential partners over political disagreements. But if you’re single, you shouldn’t go along.
Not everyone needs to be in a relationship, to be sure. If you’re happy single, we’re happy for you. But if you do want to find someone to intertwine toes with on chilly nights, or someone with whom to split the price of those exorbitant Valentine’s Day prixfixe menus, you might need to make some changes.
This Valentine’s Day, if you want to be in a relationship but aren’t, take a serious look at what’s holding you back. More important, if you meet someone who asks you to change something about yourself, or who challenges your views, don’t run away telling yourself you’re following Monroe’s advice.
Change can be improvement. It’s OK to change things about yourself if you’re not getting the relationship result you want.
In fact, if you keep failing at relationships and don’t change anything, the meme you’re looking for is the quote (probably falsely) attributed to Albert Einstein: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.”