Dudes, we need to talk
Tattooed biker shrink tells men how to keep it real and find love — without being a jerk
J OHN Kim wants to change what it means to man up.
“Men are vulnerable,” the Los Angeles therapist writes in “I Used To Be a Miserable F*ck” (HarperOne). “Men express their feelings. Men don’t send d - - k pics.”
With his new self-help book, the 45-year-old wants to help guys work out their own issues so they can form meaningful relationships. Specifically, he wants men to start being more introspective, but he knows that’s a tough sell for tough guys. So he’s spent the past decade thinking outside the traditional therapy box.
For example: His sessions skip the therapist’s couch.
“I am not an office guy,” the muscular, tattooed, motorcycle-riding shrink tells The Post. Instead, he holds his mano-a-mano therapy talks over hikes, crosstraining workouts or sips of espresso in a coffee shop.
The idea, he says, is to get his patients out of their own miserable heads — a dark place he knows well.
Around 10 years ago, Kim says, “I embarked on my man journey.” He was going through a divorce after having struggled to help keep his family’s restaurant, Hollywood Canteen, afloat. Depressed and disgusted, he forced himself to start over: He got a master’s degree in psychology and launched his confessional blog, the Angry Therapist.
Against the usual psychologist’s protocol, he decided to share his travails with patients. “It humanizes the process and makes things less stuffy,” says Kim, who is currently in a relationship. “Knowing more about me, they can show themselves more.”
Here are five of Kim’s selftested tips to help dudes get over their issues.
Be decisive.
Let’s say you ask a woman out and tell her that you don’t know what the two of you should do. That’s a huge mistake, Kim says. “Being indecisive in small ways, like when it comes to selecting the wine to have with dinner, cracks trust about you being able to make decisions where the important things are concerned.” Plus, it’s lazy: “You need to bring things to the table of any relationship.” As he sees it, refusing to make simple choices is flouting a basic responsibility.
Stop allowing your job to define your life.
During Kim’s restaurateur days, he thought he was nothing more than the sum of his professional successes and his bank account. But that’s a recipe for unhappiness, he says: “If you hang your worth on those attributes, you will always see more accomplished people and feel miserable about it.” Instead, he recommends focusing on “personal, nonwork accomplishments and adversity you have overcome.” Those stories, he says, are “what you might want to share on a first date.”
Don’t idealize your partner.
When Kim was married, he writes, he put his wife on a pedestal: “I didn’t think I deserved her.” He now sees the errors of his ways. “[Women] don’t want to be held up so high that you lose yourself,” Kim says. Instead, he suggests finding a balance by learning to view yourselves as worthy equals. “It’s not about better,” he says.
Don’t freak out about your partner’s sexual past.
If you’re going to ask your girlfriend how many guys she’s slept with, make sure you can handle it — and be cognizant of how important that sharing of information truly is. “It’s a gift; it means that your partner trusts you,” Kim says. So earn that trust: Don’t “put a blacklight on your insecurities” by turning the number into a yardstick by which you judge yourself — or, worse, her. “If you can’t deal with it, talk to a therapist.”
Override your jerk reflex.
There’s a fine line between confidence and cockiness. “Women don’t approve of [showoff-y] behavior,” Kim says. “It comes across as gross and falls under the category of posturing.” Certain things are obvious don’ts — such as bragging about your income or refusing to turn down your blasting car stereo — but other, less odious flourishes need your attention, too. “If you want to do a potentially showy thing,” like leaving a gargantuan tip, “do it discreetly. That makes the best impression and leaves you feeling better.”