Drop the Oily Clichés

Now can we put real meaning in ‘community’?

THESE are dark times, but one bright spot is this: We can begin to recover the true meaning of expressions worn thin and vapid from trendy overuse — words like “community,” “belonging” and “connection.” Let me explain.

About 18 months ago, my then16-year-old son was diagnosed with cancer. Shocked and frightened, we quickly acclimated to a new normal (a phrase also much in use now). For us, it meant isolation. Chemotherapy attacks not only cancer, but also the immune system, leaving the patient vulnerable to dangerous illness.

Fast-forward to now. A couple of days ago, I got a call from a dear friend who has been a quadriplegic for more than 30 years, ever since he broke his neck while on vacation. He has lived a remarkably rich life since, focused mainly on helping others. As the conversation ended, he said, “You know, right now, the whole world is finding out what it means to be a little bit paralyzed.”

His insight struck a chord, and I answered, “They’re finding out what it’s like to have a little bit of cancer.” For many others, these days were familiar before the pandemic; we knew this life.

Due to the pandemic, some people are sick, some are dying and all of us are without access to many of the things we used to take for granted. Many times a day, I hear otherwise intelligent people saying, “I can’t do this anymore; I can’t live like this.” But the cringeinducing trigger for me is, “I can’t believe this is happening.” What they really mean is, “I can’t believe this is happening to me.”

We are social animals, with two categories of need. One is physical: water, food, sleep. The other is human connection: conversation, stimulation, engagement. It is those things that are the most devastating to lose during a period of isolation. And that is what we are in right now, a period of isolation.

With each passing day, scientists are bringing us closer to successful therapies and strategies.

For most of us, this time will end. But not for all.

Some children will go for months or years without seeing a military parent serving overseas. Some adults and children will continue to navigate their lives wheelchair-bound. Many elderly will remain alone, hoping for a phone to ring so they can use their voice at least once a day.

Here is my wish. I wish when this is all over, we might grow out of the ritual use of such words as community, belonging and connection. Simply telling someone that she is a member of a community is downright hurtful if you don’t actually reach out to her; telling someone that he belongs is worse than meaningless if you do nothing to make him feel that way. Telling a family you feel a connection with their normal — new or old — does nothing to improve their situation.

Our schools are among the worst offenders. They say they aspire to produce students who are “global citizens” and perform “acts of kindness,” yet it has taken a global pandemic for them to feebly organize distance learning — and begin to look at social interaction for students who can’t physically be in the classroom even absent a pandemic.

Such initiatives should have been considered long ago. With a few heroic exceptions, many schools are virtually abandoning their students.

We should take an oath that after COVID-19 has passed, we will be among those who don’t wait to be asked before they visit an elderly neighbor, drop off a meal or balloons for a first responder or simply send a text or make a telephone call when someone is ill. When our lives return to normal, let’s remember those for whom this isn’t temporary. We are all in this together now; let’s stop vacuously using words like community and belonging and instead reach out in a concrete way.

Isolation and difficult days will end, soon, for most — but not for all.

Jessica Barkoff is a writer in New York City.