Everything’s from home

JUSTICE these days is served through the Internet. Now NYC’s court system — hear this — does its hear ye, hear ye’s via Zoom. Shove cramming for the bar. Modern principle of law is getting decided on the same keyboard that orders Hizzoner’s takeout. During one contentious legal conference, the judge turned and barked to someone off camera: “The toaster is smoking? Ask your brother to help.”

Actors even audition from home. Closets become recording studios.

Michael Canetty, known for “Criminal Minds”: “Trying for a musicvideo job, I had to shoot my test footage myself plus keep dancing wildly, which for some reason I was told to do, plus filming it all in my own backyard to some song called ‘Champagne Night’ plus having no clue what the thing’s for.”

He eventually learned it was for Lady Antebellum. Shove backyards. Gerard Lordahl’s GrowNYC Open Space Greening Program says we would/ should/could raise veggies on our terraces. Like multiple Village shut-ins all have high wraparound outdoor space to share with radishes on clotheslines of damp boxers.

Six- to 12-inch pots, moist soil, six hours sunlight required. Great idea. Soak your drawers and risk a layer of kale hanging off of them. Sweet peas stuck up your clothespin I wouldn’t even mention. Of course, Swiss chard stuffing your bra is a possibility.

Exiting multimillion-buck apartments with radishes dragging from Park Avenue behinds? Parsley in the navel? Basil scratching their shorts? They also say you could raise cityside chickens for eggs. Problem is, roosters clash with Raphael.