‘ELL’ OF A JOKE

Larry’s on-off TikTok deal a 3-ring circus

SOFTWARE giant Oracle’s on-again, off-again deal to save short-video app TikTok from a White House ban has been called many things in the weeks since it was proposed.

It’s been called “geopolitical” because the deal is now being negotiated at the highest levels of government in China, where its parent company is based; and in DC, where the Trump administration believes the Chinese are stealing user data to spy on us.

Other descriptives include “complex” because of the weird structure of the deal, and “crony capitalism” because Oracle will make a lot of money if this thing goes through, thus benefiting its chairman Larry Ellison, a close friend of President Trump.

I’ve also heard it described as “lifesaving” because parents may be spared the tantrums of countless 12-year-olds if Trump’s threat to shut down TikTok comes true.

Now let me add one of my own: Clown show.

Trump believes the Chinese are taking the user data, presumably from all those 12-year-olds, to spy on us. Why? Well, because the Chinese like to spy, we are told. Parent company ByteDance, like all Chinese companies, must answer to the Chinese Communist Party.

OK, I know it’s certainly possible that the Chinese want to get over on us, but a little evidence might be needed here that their vehicle to infiltrate the country is a dancevideo app popular with kids.

And if TikTok is a really bad thing, then it’s hard not to chuckle at this “deal” by Oracle to save it. First off, no significant money is changing hands, at least according to the latest iteration I’ve been briefed on.

Oracle and TikTok’s US venture investors, General Atlantic Partners and Sequoia Capital, created the structure that makes it look like TikTok will largely be owned by US investors. Oracle will manage TikTok in its cloud, a highly lucrative business. If the deal is approved, General Atlantic and Sequoia will cash out when TikTok goes public.

But an app is only as good as the tech underlying it, also known as the algorithm, and that tech will still be owned by ByteDance. So much for US ownership. Trump appeared to love the deal after speaking by phone with Ellison about a week ago. He really likes Ellison watching over TikTok because Larry’s a “tremendous guy,” and, of course, one of the president’s few Silicon Valley supporters, along with the dudes who run General Atlantic and Sequoia,

But when it started to leak that the Chinese were really still running the show, Trump reversed himself and said he might not approve the deal after all.

As of this weekend it’s unclear if the deal will go through. AG Bill Barr doesn’t appear to be on board, but Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin does.

On tough decisions like this, the president usually sides with whoever speaks to him last. So Ellison better get on the phone fast, or else a bunch of 12-year-olds are going to have a meltdown. This clown show can’t end fast enough.