NO-FUN FUNDS
PROFESSOR Wagstaff, the new president of Huxley College, played by Groucho Marx, explained to medical students the sudden rush of blood to the head:
“We then come to the bloodstream. The blood rushes from the head, down to the feet ... gets a look at those feet, and rushes back to the head again. This is known as auction pinochle.”
Heady stuff, the Mets in new hands, those belonging to hedgefunder Steve Cohen. Change and hope fill the hearts and heads of Mets fans.
One thing, however, is still unclear: How is Cohen’s presence going to fundamentally change the desperate, diminished way the Mets, not to mention 29 other teams, now choose to play baseball? How is Cohen’s money going to rescue or recuse the Mets from joining hands as MLB and its teams leap off the ledge?
At a time when MLB is in selfdirected decay, how does Cohen’s purchase of the Mets signal an improved or more logicdriven product? Or has he bought high — $2.4 billion — into a self-destructive business?
Simply put, how will Cohen’s ownership provide the stimulus or direction to avoid the tsunami that has made baseball a strikeout or home run, .200 batting average, empty-the-bullpens, allnight expensive enterprise?
How will Cohen’s administration remove the now time-tested insanity of managers trying to script games via inning-specific relievers, no matter how effective the previous pitcher and how long the game is stretched for no sensible reason?
Will the Mets become more inclined to play fundamentally sound, winning baseball rather than swing for the solar system on every pitch? Will the shift be defeated through a few bunts or just putting the ball in play the other way for gift singles and doubles?
Will the bunt even be taught? Recall Dominic Smith ascended to the Mets having never ever bunted. Will classes on how to actually put the ball in play be mandatory?
The Mets have changed owners but can the owner change the Mets?
Will the Mets now purchase more expensive batters to strike out a lot, and more expensive starters to throw five, maybe six innings?
Baseball doesn’t merely need a makeover, it needs radical change, a throwback to when it was played smartly — to win — and was played at least as much to entertain TV audiences as to sustain TV revenue. How is Cohen’s ownership of the Mets — any team — going to perform such a bettervery-late-than-never reversal?
Perhaps, when the blood has ceased rushing to the head, we’ll be provided some answers.