What a sin-derella!
Writer-director Kay Cannon has shattered Cinderella’s glass slipper. And we the audience are forced to walk across the shards barefoot.
Yes, the new “Cinderella” movie — out today — is that excruciating.
The rotten revamp is pseudo-feminist claptrap that begs us to feel empowered when Ella’s (Camila Cabello) evil stepmother, now named Vivian (Idina Menzel), confides to her stepdaughter that she is a classically trained pianist who never got to play professionally. So, she’s a cruel parent because she didn’t become Liberace? Brave!
The queen (Minnie Driver), meanwhile, keeps complaining that her “voice has been completely silenced” by her husband, the king (Pierce Brosnan). How is this serious marital issue resolved? During the grand finale, the queen yells “You’re wrong!” at his majesty and gets applauded by her subjects. Groundbreaking!
When Cinderella marries Prince Robert (Nicholas Galitzine) — I’m sorry I’ve just spoiled this centuries-old
fairy tale — she refuses to be called a princess. Pandering nonsense. “Cinderella” is a musical, which makes sense for Cannon, who wrote the far better “Pitch Perfect” series. However, unlike Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Broadway show that had an original score, this is mostly a jukebox affair cluttered with disparate pop and R&B songs.
The prince croons Queen’s “Somebody To Love,” and Vivian belts Madonna’s “Material Girl.” All of the performances are ho-hum.
One of the few original tunes is called “Million to One” and is sung by Cabello, whose Cinderella is oatmeal bland. Of the few lyrics I understood through the singer’s garbled, nasal, corporate pop sound, I caught these blazingly original lines: “You’re gonna know my name” and “If it’s a million to one, I’m gonna be that one.” This drivel is reprised twice more.
Cannon is occasionally a very fine writer. The aforementioned “Pitch Perfect” films are funny, catchy and smart. This “Cinderella” script, meanwhile, misses the mark in every conceivable way. The dialogue, which clumsily blends classical speech and modernisms like “She cray!,” is on par with Netflix’s “A Christmas Prince.”
Billy Porter is all right as the fairy godmother, now called Fab G, but it’s a relatively small part.
Let me end with a fairy tale: Once upon a time, a movie that was supposed to have a theatrical release was picked up by a streaming service and debuted in a couple cinemas at the end of summer. You know the rest — it’s a classic.
Running time: 113 minutes. Rated PG (suggestive material and language). In select theaters and on Amazon Prime Video.