MAKE A DRY RUN
Choose turf over surf on beachy Bonaire
IT’S the hardest TikTok challenge yet: Enjoy the fabled Caribbean isle of Bonaire without snorkeling, diving, fill-in-the-blank-boarding or any other watersport that involves injury/death liability waivers.
Don’t bother seeking help in that dusty old Fodor’s tome of yours or even the dentist office’s modern travel glossy. They’ll offer little more than infinitely regurgitated dive site maps and beach reviews (if we have to hear about the 1,000 Steps one more time, I swear to God…).
Bonaire is a proper desert — complete with cacti, donkeys, desalination plants, et. al — and should be respected as such. And there’s nothing more disrespectful than focusing on a desert’s water, of all things.
Here’s how to have a merry time, hold the maritime, on the Caribbean’s PADI scuba school alumswarmed oasis that’s — trigger warning — best experienced above sea level.
Spiked cactus
Let it be known: The B of the Spanish-then-Dutch-settled ABC islands is the only Caribbean island that produces whiskey. It’s also home to the International Wine
and Spirit Competition’s gold medal winner for rum and coke. And it’s the first place in the world ever to churn out vodka made from cacti. ’Cause let’s face it: #BonaireBeLush.
These fun facts are all thanks to the 16,000square-foot Cadushy (pronounced the funny way) Distillery (Cadushy.com), located smack dab in the center of early-tobed Rincon, one of only two proper towns on the thirsty island. Slaking islanders’ and Dutch royals’ liquid longings since 2009, Cadushy is named for the kind of cactus from which its battery of booze is made. That includes rum, whiskey, gin, vodka and all sorts of naturally taste-therainbow liqueurs inspired by, and flavored for, each member of the
Dutch Caribbean, sans Sint Maarten, with the motherland of Holland in its place. Taste their wares at their outdoor bar, open only during the day.
Different strokes
Meditate on this: If every golf shot lands in the sand, don’t sandtraps cease to be? That logic alone should lure any not-so-scratch golfer to Bonaire’s funky Piedra So (PiedraSo.com) golf club which sports “browns” (natural soil) instead of artificially grown greens like you’re used to (at least on the back nine).
In fact, most of the natural green spots you’ll find here scenically surround the course — avoid chasing after your Titleists in them and just take a mulligan because they’re likely filled with cacti or other spiny plants. Green fees from $25; lessons at its school (Bonaire.golf) from $55.
Think outside the flocks
If you have both the binoculars and the moxie — let’s call it “binoxie,” just to make haters hate — here’s a hot take: There’s more to this part of the world than its flamboyances of flamingos (but they remain the undisputed champions). Birding is alive and well on this little island and there are plenty of other sought-after featherati to keep an eye out for, like the Caribbean parakeet and the yellow-shouldered parrot, exclusively found on here. Bonaire Bird Photography Tours’ Susan Davis will lead the way (BonaireBirdTours.com).
Gust of honor
After salt, Bonaire’s most worshipped natural resource is likely its wind, best harnessed at Bonaire Landsailing Adventures (LandsailingAdventures.com), where it’s used to power motorless sail-equppied “blokarts” around a figureeight track. Full disclosure: You do have to sign a waiver (they’ll hit speeds of 20 to 25 mph on a good windy day and can get temporarily airborne for a hot second). But it’s, as one travel companion put it, about as death-defying as a game of Mario Kart so long as you keep your hands inside. From $50/hour.
Tag, you’re it
They may not have traffic lights on Bonaire but they do have more endearing reminders of metropolitan life: food trucks and awesome graffiti. Why not combine the two? Pick up a wrap or tuna burger at one of the many food trucks lining the coast of Kralendijk and go hunting for Bonaire’s fabulously painted walls. Street Colors Bonaire (StreetColorsBonaire.com) couples professional Dutch and island-born street artists with local kids to help beautify the island. They’re behind several famous Bonairean masterpieces at heavily trafficked places like the Crossfit Flamingo Gym and the skatepark at Jong Bonaire.