Markle inDCa clear & president danger

What happens if Meghan pushes her way into the White House?

THE sad death of Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) sparked feverish speculation that Meghan Markle might toss her royal tiara into the ring to replace the 90-yearold trailblazer.

California Gov. Gavin Newsom has squashed the rumors by naming Laphonza Butler, a Democratic strategist, as Feinstein’s replacement.

But that won’t stop Meghan from continuing to plot a move into politics.

Prince Harry’s ferociously ambitious wife has made no secret of her Washington aspirations, spending increasing time with Democratic donors and becoming more vocal about hot-button issues like abortion and gender equality.

She reportedly had a one-hour Zoom call with Newsom when he had to replace then-Sen. Kamala Harris after she became Joe Biden’s vice president, and Meghan allowed her name to fuel the new round of rumors around Feinstein’s replacement without any official denial.

So if the Duchess of Sussex does ever make it to DC — and crazier things have happened in US politics in recent years — what would her political mantra look and sound like?

The Markle mantra

Well, as someone who knew her before she even met Harry and has been a regular commentator on her many public utterances, I imagine Meghan’s Manifesto would be something like this:

A return to full British monarchy rule in America within 10 years, with an exclusive monarch for the United States drafted from the existing royal family. The selection process for this new US monarch will be restricted to members of the royal family who were born in America. To clarify, that’s me.

As a passionate environmentalist, I will ban all private jets to curb carbon footprint and save the planet. The only exceptions will be for my close friends Sir Elton John and George Clooney, whose planes will be considered “royal freebie flights” and thus exempt from the ban.

New York will be instructed to remove all cars from the road whenever I’m in the city, so I can order my driver to careen around the streets at high speed and thus create an entirely false impression that me and my husband are constantly forced to cheat death as we’re harassed by monstrous paparazzi — don’t they know only we’re allowed to ruthlessly invade our own privacy?! — on motorbikes.

My very good friend Oprah Winfrey will be appointed my Senate chief of staff, a position that I know she will feel is the pinnacle of her career and the most humbling day of her life. As a special gesture, given our closeness, Oprah will only have to call me “Your Royal Highness” in public — when in private situations, ‘Duchess Meghan’ will suffice. However, she will have to forego ever acknowledging the title “Queen of Television” as there’s only room for one Queen in this administration . . . erm . . . I mean, Senate office.

All other members of the royal family will have their US visas revoked with immediate effect. This may sound incredibly mean and petty, but that’s because I am incredibly mean and petty. If they want to come to America, they must first agree to bow and kneel to me live on CNN.

Special relationship

The rest of the British people, however, will be afforded special highspeed immigration refugee status. Yes, all 67 million of them. Nobody needs to tell me how awful their country is, or how terribly oppressive, racist, cruel and nasty life can be there. It’s honestly worse than any war zone. This policy will be called “Finding Freedom from Brutal Britain.”

Drug laws are far too strict in the United States and making it very diffi

cult for Harry to have a sneaky toot in Soho House at midnight without someone sending a bloody phone video to TMZ. Things have got so bad he can’t even brazenly boast about munching magic mushrooms at Courtney Cox’s house in Los Angeles without idiots calling for him to be thrown out of the country! So, I will make all drugs legal — if they’re being consumed by British princes whose names begin with “H.”

The media will be formally warned not to write negative things about me, even if I spout complete and utter nonsense in the Senate. This is because it would be damaging to my mental health to hear criticism, whereas receiving constant unquestioning and sycophantic praise will be very beneficial.

Journalists who defy this advisory will be charged with racist hate crimes, because it will be obvious the only reason that they’re criticizing me is because of my skin color and not because my policy ideas are insane.

Out of respect for woke selfidentity ideology, I will insist on all my personal pronouns being used whenever I address the Senate. These are: “Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.”

Poverty will be the cornerstone of my political life. To illustrate this, I will hold weekly meetings with the poorest members of US society at my $11 million mansion in Montecito. Not in the main pseudo-state rooms, obviously, but in the servants’ quarters, so they won’t feel out overawed.

I will move immediately to have Donald Trump barred, via constitutional amendment, from ever being president again. If there’s one thing I can’t abide, it’s public figures who spew damaging lies on TV. Such appallingly disingenuous conduct should be disqualifying for anyone who wants to be in the White House.

Talking of which, when I become president, I will order the White House to be painted hazel, like my eyes. Aesthetics matter.

Vlad the doormat

I’ll hold an emergency meeting with Vladimir Putin in Moscow to p---y-whip him back into his dictatorial little box and make him my weak, pathetic, groveling little doormat, like I did with Harry.

Family and especially fatherhood are essential components to the fabric of a successful society. It’s frankly shocking how many feckless dads just walk away from their children, disown them, and never give them another thought! Though I should hasten to add that if a child does that to their father after he selflessly raised them for years on his own, that’s brave and inspiring, and should win the child “Person of the Year” awards.

I’ll urge President Biden to appoint Megan Rapinoe as Secretary for Sport and Gender Equality. She can then fix it for all US national women’s sports teams to be packed with biological males and we’ll win everything!

Compassion is at the heart of everything I do, and to prove that I will campaign for all Republicans to be drowned in a vat of sulfuric acid.