The Four Horsemen of Halloween
It’s hardly breaking news that Halloween is a fun holiday. What’s not to like about candy and costumes?
Especially costumes. Playing dress-up dates back to Adam and Eve, who suddenly had to cover their naked bodies once they got the boot from the Garden of Eden.
Costumes have evolved just a bit since then. As a public service to keep you current, here are some popular Halloween costumes for this year:
Barbie and Ken — This couple dates back to today’s grandparents, but they’re trendy again courtesy of the upcoming movie starring Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling.
Eddie Munson, Max and Chrissy — These stars of the Netflix series “Stranger Things” are popular with those who love science fiction horror even more than they do candy corn Halloween brownies.
Daemon Targaryen and Rhaenyra Targaryen — The HBO series “House of the Dragon” is hotter than, ahem, dragon’s breath and of course its characters would never simply be named Ralph Jones and Mary Smith.
Kate Sharma and Edwina Sharma — These two characters from the Netflix series “Bridgerton” were slam dunks to be big this Halloween season. Granted, someday sociologists will have to explain why “Bridgerton” resonates with people with an IQ higher than 17.
Elvis — This year’s film biopic starring Austin Butler has restored the king of rock and roll to his throne.
Granted, these choices may not work for you or your children.
Which got me to thinking after watching my 4,237th political television commercial this week.
These election ads have hammered home that John Fetterman, Dr. Oz, Doug Mastriano and Josh Shapiro totally are undeserving of your vote.
My God, the election spots make Hitler, Stalin, Chairman Mao Zedong and Putin sound like altar boys in comparison to this fearsome foursome.
All four candidates seem in dire need of a good shower and shampoo, even though two of them are bald.
Can the four of them really be more crooked than a rural road, dirtier than a coal mine and slicker than the glacier that is a Chicago winter?
One might think so after repeatedly being assaulted with outrageous character assassinations, flamboyant rhetoric and egocentric verbal shenanigans. The vitriol boils over from the commercials as if from a witch’s cauldron.
With discontent exploding on the gunpowder of personality, you’d think these guys would be lucky to get elected dog catcher, let alone a governor or a senator.
All the hyperbole oozing from these ads makes this quartet come across as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, circa 2022. That’s the end product of having reality cross the Rubicon into the realm of nonsense on an intense daily cycle.
In dramatic lore The Four Horsemen are known as famine, pestilence, destruction and death. Now they’ve been replaced in the saddle by Oz, Fetterman, Shapiro and Mastriano.
After being brainwashed by all the TV commercials, the mere thought of voting for any of them gives me perpetual chills and heart palpitations.
Thank heavens I had a flash of insight. Call it an epiphany. I just hope I don’t tear my rotator cuff trying to pat myself on the back.
Transform the quartet — drum roll, please — into Halloween costumes.
They sure as hell are scary enough.
Not to cast aspersions on anybody’s looks because nobody ever confused me with Brad Pitt, but Fetterman and Mastriano look particularly ghoulish while Oz and Shapiro look particularly creepy.
Fetterman, Oz, Mastriano and Shapiro as Halloween costumes would be an even bigger hit than the “Monster Mash” in Pennsylvania. Just ensure that all the nuts and bolts are tight enough and you have The Four Horsemen of Halloween.
Indeed, turning these candidates into costumes could be even more transformative than turning vinegar into champagne or crackerjacks into diamonds.
Because it just might create a new mindset in election TV spots.
Just imagine a world in which campaign commercials adopt a hear-no-evil, see-no-evil, say-no-evil stance.
It would be nirvana.