Late laughs

Conan: Conan

O’Brien

Donald Trump said if he becomes president, Americans will be “saying Merry Christmas again.” Which may be true, but if he becomes president, we’ll be saying it from our new homes in Canada. Because Donald Trump hosted “Saturday Night Live,” NBC is now obligated to give the other presidential candidates free airtime. As a result, each candidate will appear as a tattoo on that girl from “Blindspot.” Last night, Donald Trump said Ben Carson is wrong about the Egyptian pyramids being used to store grain, because the pyramids are solid. And that, ladies and gentlemen, perfectly sums up the Republican presidential race. President Obama now has a personal Facebook page where he says he wants to have real conversations about issues. In other words, he’s new to Facebook. In Texas, Uber has launched a horse-and-buggy version of its service. It’s the first Uber app that says: “Your driver will arrive in three to four days.” Yesterday, medical marijuana went on sale in Chicago. As a result, Chicago has just been forced to dip into its Strategic Sausage Reserve. It is true, SeaWorld is phasing out its killer whale show. Or as Fox News reported it: “More killers set free under Obama.” The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon:

Jimmy Fallon Ben Carson recently went on Facebook to offer proof that the events he talked about in his life really happened. Which is ironic, because people usually go on Facebook to DELETE proof that events in their life happened. Pizza Hut just unveiled its new “Triple Threat Box,” which is a box with three drawers that holds pizza, bread sticks and a big chocolate chip cookie. Or as Chris Christie calls that, a wallet. A county in Colorado just voted to put taxes from selling marijuana toward supporting college scholarships. And you can tell it’s a weed scholarship because it actually pays for 11 years of college. Last night, Donald Trump said that he actually supports Russia’s fight against ISIS in Syria. Yeah, Trump teaming up with Putin. Or as that’s also known, the best “Amazing Race” team EVER.

The Late Show: Stephen

Colbert As of yesterday, the 2016 presidential election is just one year away, which means it’s only 11 months until voters start paying attention. Everyone on the GOP side is about to get plenty of face time at tomorrow’s fourth Republican debate. All eyes are on Marco Rubio. He looked presidential at the last debate thanks to his brilliant strategy of standing next to Jeb Bush. Saturday will be a particularly special Democratic debate because CBS has partnered with Twitter to bring in live reactions and questions. This is supposed to be the biggest Twitter debate since Ben Affleck was cast as Batman. The Late Late Show with James Corden:

James Corden While we’re taping this, the fourth Republican debate has not happened yet, but I’m kind of hoping they ask the other candidates what they would do if they had a time machine. I think Ben Carson would travel back to his childhood so that he can really stab that guy.