EX-ETIQUETTE

QI’m divorced and my son lives a week with his mother and a week with me. He is in the sixth grade. He recently got in trouble at school for using a racial slur and insulted one of his best friends. Evidently, he saw a comedy routine on YouTube and thought to repeat it. I talked to the principal and his friend’s mother and now he’s grounded and without a phone. I’m trying to be a good parent. What’s good ex-etiquette?

ABeing a good parent is important. Being a good co-parent is essential. And, although you’re truly trying to do everything right, you’ve missed the obvious — you called everyone under the sun but your child’s mother. That’s unfortunate and very bad ex-etiquette.

So many parents have told me how tough it is to raise a child alone. “I’m a single parent, you know.” That implies everything is on your shoulders — and there are people who truly are single parents — but you are not. You may no longer live with your son’s mother, but you’re certainly not in this alone. There’s someone who also loves and cares for your child just as much as you do and that’s the first person you consult when something goes wrong — or something goes right.

There’s a fine art to successfully maneuvering the parenting plan you’ve chosen. If you aren’t consulting each other, your child will play you. He’ll tell you all sorts of crazy things mom makes him do and say equally as crazy things to mom about you. He’s human, he wants what he wants, and if you and mom are not consulting each other, you’ll never know he’s lying. Don’t think your child is unique. Kids whose parents are together do it. Kids whose parents aren’t together do it more.

That said, if you are not the sort of parents who consult each other, grounding a child who goes back and forth often backfires. He’ll put things together soon and mess up the day before going back to the other home with no consequences. Saying things like, “You’re still grounded when you get back here” sets you up for failure because he won’t want to come back. Sit down with mom and figure out a new strategy. Block sites or even remove the internet from his phone. I always had a “Phone basket.” If the kids were grounded from the phone, that’s where the phone sat while they were home. They were never grounded from talking to their other parent, but if friends came over, their friends’ phones went in the phone basket, as well.

Your story is the exact reason why it’s important to regulate your child’s internet use. Sixth-graders are naturally curious and they are going to hit sites that are over the top. Sounds like it’s time for you and mom to have a conversation with your child about what you expect from his internet use and what the consequences will be if he doesn’t follow the rules.

Just remember: A breakup stops you from living together. A breakup does not stop you from parenting together. That’s good ex-etiquette.