Otus the Head Cat

Handy clip-and-save list to help kittens along.

Dear Otus,

I saw on your Facebook page that your family (after a proper mourning period) has adopted two kittens to replace the dearly departed Mackey. I know that you would prefer to be there to instruct these youngsters in proper feline behavior, but since you can’t, maybe a column on the subject will suffice.

— Angela Denise Moogie, Trumann

Dear Angela,

It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and, yes, my humans have indeed taken in Ollie and Opie, two tiny critters who have a lot to learn. Ollie was discovered in a trash bin in Batesville at the tender age of 3 weeks, and Opie is the slightly older offspring of a feral mother who was fostered and weaned by a kindhearted co-worker.

Thanks for the suggestion to run my Feline Mentor Guidelines. Here are the Top 25. It would behoove all cat owners to clip and save so as to better serve and understand their pets.

CAT GUIDELINES

■ Bathrooms. Always accompany your human to the bathroom. Just sit and stare.

■ Doors. Do not allow any closed door in any room. Meow until your human opens it. Then simply stand there.

■ Plants. Humans may have plants or cats. Never both.

■ Cat toys. As soon as possible, swat those stupid little catnip mice and jingly balls under the couch where your human can’t get at them.

■ Be finicky. Never indicate a preference for one kind of cat food longer than three days.

■ Bed making. Humans can never make their beds without you getting in the middle first. Don’t ask why.

■ Vacuum cleaners. These are demonic hell hounds that will suck out your soul. Disappear at the first sound of them.

■ Food dish. If you can see any portion of the bottom, brace for starvation.

■ Belly scratching. Pretend to love it, then draw blood to let your people know when it’s enough.

■ Loud meowing. Do it randomly from time to time just to confound your humans.

■ Red laser dot. This diabolical torture device easily amuses humans. Do not chase it.

■ Chairs and rugs. If you must gack up a hairball, get up on a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get on a rug.

■ Kitchen. When supervising in the kitchen, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.

■ Reading. The best place to help your human read is on his chest just above the book or Kindle. It’s even better if you can actually lie across the book. When a human is reading the newspaper, be sure to swat the back of the paper. Humans love that.

■ Computers. When your human is working at a computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, then lie on his lap or across his arm. It’ll help him concentrate.

■ Walking. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the humans, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark and when they first get up in the morning.

■ Bedtime. After kneading his stomach for 10 minutes, always sleep directly on top of the human so he cannot move around.

■ Litter box. When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out as possible. Humans love the crunchy feel between their toes.

■ Rodents. If you catch one, plop it down at your person’s feet. It’s the best way to show love.

■ Napping. Set aside about 80 percent of the day for this activity. Try to do it in your human’s favorite chair.

■ Toilet paper. Humans love it when you unroll these. Do it when they’re not around.

■ Water. Forget that water in the bowl, the good stuff comes directly from the tap. Or your human’s glass.

■ Laundry. Your humans will expect you to curl up in the basket of warm laundry fresh from the dryer. Kindly oblige them.

■ Hiding. From time to time, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Back in the linen closet behind the toilet paper is a good place. Come out once they start making “Lost Cat” fliers.

■ Catnip. Nepeta cataria is a perennial, herbaceous plant that resembles a typical member of the mint family. It contains the feline stimulant nepetalactone and is used as a recreational substance. However, overconsumption causes drooling, sleepiness, anxiety, unflattering leaping and stupid purring. Indulge responsibly and avoid operating heavy machinery.

Until next time, Kalaka reminds you of this universal truth: Proof that the Earth is round is that if it were flat, cats would have pushed everything off the edge eons ago.

Disclaimer

Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. E-mail: mstorey@arkansasonline.com

Democrat-Gazette illustration/CELIA STOREY Without a mother’s guidance, Ollie (left) and Opie will have a lot to learn about being cats. Fortunately, Otus has a handy list.