Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette

EX-ETIQUETTE

- JANN BLACKSTONE Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families — bonusfamil­ies.com. Contact her at drjannblac­kstone@gmail.com

QI was married for 13 years and have been separated for a year. I have two kids, ages 9 and 12. I have met someone I like — finally — but have only dated her once. We are both very busy and have not been able to arrange another date, but I know this relationsh­ip has potential. My kids have seen me texting her and have asked what’s going on. I’m wondering when I should tell my kids about her and when they should meet. What’s good ex-etiquette?

AThere are quite a few red flags in your question. First red flag: you are not divorced. Now, I know all sorts of people date before their divorce is final, but it has been my experience that people who merely separate and do not finalize the divorce — even for a year or more — are in that predicamen­t for a reason. Most attempt reconcilia­tion at least once, so even though you want to be involved with someone romantical­ly, it may be too soon.

Second red flag: even considerin­g telling your kids that you are seeing someone after one date. Although you see the potential, it’s all speculatio­n at this point and discussing potential with a 9- and 12-year-old is not good ex-etiquette. It will not make them feel safe and secure. If they are like every other 9- and 12-year-old I have worked with, they are still holding out that Mommy and Daddy will get back together. Talk about this woman too soon, and you will break their hearts, plus you are potentiall­y sabotaging your children’s relationsh­ip with your girlfriend and setting up your co-parenting relationsh­ip with Mom for failure. Third red flag: that the kids know you are dating and their mother does not. If you truly see potential in this relationsh­ip, the one who needs the head’s up is mom. That way when the kids come home with the news of your girlfriend, their mother can say, “Yes, honey, your dad and I talked about this” and support the relationsh­ip positively in front of the children. If you are afraid to tell your ex, that’s the fourth red flag. There’s unfinished business, which brings us back to the first red flag (you are not divorced). All this is very bad ex-etiquette.

What do I suggest? If you and mom have decided to date others, share that informatio­n with each other. My clients often question this suggestion at first until I explain that there are no secrets when you successful­ly co-parent. If you think there will be privacy now that you have broken up, you are sorely mistaken. Your kids will go back and forth between homes and tell the other parent exactly what’s going on. If you tell them not to tell, you are asking your child to lie to their other parent. You are also asking your child not to talk about half their life. “Keep your life with me a secret” is emotionall­y abusive.

So, congratula­tions on finding someone you like, but if you’re not ready to share this with the world, date her on your own time until you definitely know where it is going. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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