Hot mess has a full sum­mer

Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette - - NORTHWEST / TELEVISION - Email: jchrist­man@arkansason­

It’s about time for all the kids to pen their “What I Did on My Sum­mer Va­ca­tion” essays.

So to­day I thought I’d re­cap the last few months and share one, too: “What I Did on My Sum­mer Non-Va­ca­tion.”

■ I com­pleted a boot­camp fit­ness pro­gram.

More like I had to huff and puff up the stairs for two weeks when the el­e­va­tor broke at work.

It’s func­tion­ing again. Un­like my fit­ness re­solve.

■ I made a new friend.

At first this gent wasn’t so pleased with me. In re­sponse to a late May col­umn I wrote ref­er­enc­ing the late Soundgar­den lead singer Chris Cor­nell, a reader wrote: “How have you main­tained your job when you write about var­i­ous (oc­ca­sion­ally im­por­tant) sub­jects, but in the end, it’s all about you? You can’t be that young any­more, and the Val­ley Girl thing is wear­ing thin for you.”

But weeks later he mes­saged back and made amends: “I wrote that email dur­ing a neg­a­tive cloud I was go­ing through, and kind of re­gret­ted it af­ter send­ing. You seem al­right, and I re­ally don’t set out to make peo­ple feel lousy. For that I owe you an apol­ogy.”

I ac­cepted, of course. He didn’t make this Val­ley Girl feel lousy at all. Quite the op­po­site. Read back over his first email. Ooh, he, like, to­tally called me thin.

■ I made a new en­emy.

Her name is Au­drey F. Hill. You know her by her mid­dle name Faith. The coun­try singer, who re­cently had to rest her voice and can­cel her tour date with hus­band Tim Mc­Graw at North Lit­tle Rock’s Ver­i­zon Arena, ru­ined an af­ter­noon for me last week. Not be­cause I wanted to see her. But be­cause we had to re­con­fig­ure our Thurs­day Style sec­tion at the last minute.

She’s for­ever on my naughty list with artists who have made sim­i­larly in­con­ve­nient can­cel­la­tions. I’m look­ing at you, Master P and Ash­ley Simpson!

Of course, Ash­ley never had to stop tour­ing to rest her vo­cal chords. She never used them any­way.

■ I changed my name.

Or at least it looked like I did when my friend and co­host Leesa P. Fisher gave me a cute mono­grammed birth­day gift with the wrong mid­dle ini­tial (even though she’s a stick­ler for ac­cu­racy, even though we spend a min­i­mum of 20 hours a week sit­ting next to each other, and even though my hand­bag, Yeti cup and day-off ball cap I of­ten wear all have my mono­gram). All is well. I got a beau­ti­ful, spell-checked re­place­ment present. And I just got her back! Didn’t I, Lisa G. Fis­cher?

■ I got a new driver’s li­cense.

Back in June I wrote about need­ing a new li­cense and hav­ing to de­cide be­tween the reg­u­lar and the higher-se­cu­rity en­hanced ver­sion (re­quired to board do­mes­tic flights be­gin­ning in Oc­to­ber 2020): “The en­hanced li­cense was the way to go. I’d just go to a rev­enue of­fice and get it. Not so fast. … There are ad­di­tional valid forms of iden­ti­fi­ca­tion re­quired. Ex­actly 1,348 of them.” I con­cluded, “It will en­hance my life greatly know­ing I don’t have to deal with any of this for an­other eight years.”

Worse. I have to deal with the ghastly pic­ture for an­other eight years! The washe­d­out photo cer­tainly didn’t do any­thing to en­hance my ap­pear­ance, but rather made my com­plex­ion col­or­less and my eye­brows and mouth clown­like. I de­ter­mined I looked like a de­ranged Bette Davis char­ac­ter from the old movie fea­tured in the FX Feud an­thol­ogy se­ries.

The afore­men­tioned “Leesa” agreed: “What­ever Hap­pened to Baby JENN!”

■ I be­gan writ­ing an­other col­umn.

Pa­per Trails. Arkansas sec­tion. Sun­days. It’s the one that has the same ol’ pic­ture as this col­umn. Clearly I’m a bit photo-pho­bic af­ter the whole li­cense or­deal.

Even­tu­ally I’ll get an­other pic­ture taken one day when my roots are done, my hair be­haves, my fake eye­lashes are per­fec­tion, my neck­line is flat­ter­ing, my jewelry is just right and my con­tour­ing is on point. So I’d say I should be ready by the eclipse.

Not the one hap­pen­ing Aug. 21. The one hap­pen­ing April 8, 2024.

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