Xena or Kate: Who is the better princess here?

Dear Otus:

My friend, Tiffany, and I have been having this, like, really, really deep discussion on who is the better princess. Tiffany says it’s Princess Kate and I say it’s Xena, Warrior Princess.

Can you settle the argument for us? A dinner at Arby’s is riding on the answer. — Ashley Lizenzgebuhren, Vilonia

Dear Ashley,

It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and to pass along the good news. Order up the curly fries, Ashley, that dinner is yours — if only on a royal technicality.

You see, Kate Middleton is not now, never has been, nor ever will be a princess.

And unless you are a hopelessly gauche member of the celebretainment industry or one of those scurrilous French topless tabloids, Catherine Elizabeth Middleton is also never called “Kate.”

Kate’s husband, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, calls her Catherine. Her “issue,” Prince George of Cambridge and Princess Charlotte of Cambridge, call her Mummy.

Let’s show some respect. Kate just announced royal bun No. 3 is in the oven.

Kate’s younger sister, Philippa “Pippa” Charlotte Middleton Matthews (the future Lady Glen Affric), calls the future queen consort Waity Katie, but never in public.

No, Kate is not a princess. I know that’s confusing to egalitarian Americans raised on 11 Disney princesses, and was only made more complicated by the fact that William’s mother was called Princess Di because she was married to Charles, Prince of Wales.

Wait. Eleven princesses? Indeed, according to the official Disney Roster of Recognized Princesses, they are Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahontas, Mulan, Tiana, Rapunzel and Merida.

For the record, Frozen’s Elsa and Anna are on Disney’s official princessization waiting list. To be officially elevated to the permanent status is a long, involved process and will take until at least 2020.

Prince William, Diana’s first born, was made a duke when he married Kate in 2011, and she took William’s ducal rank. That makes Kate’s official title “Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge.”

One addresses her as “your royal highness” upon first greeting and “ma’am” thereafter.

For those stringent anglophiles out there, Kate’s full title is “Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn and Lady Carrickfergus.”

But let’s indulge the premise for a moment: Which is the better princess, Xena or Kate? Both, to some extent, are fabrications of the media and were created for our entertainment and amusement.

Xena, Warrior Princess, was played on TV by New Zealand actress Lucy Lawless. A former grapepicker and gold miner, the 5-foot-11 Lawless was chosen for her Amazonian beauty and athletic prowess. Her job was to produce a hit TV series.

Kate is being played by the lithe and diaphanous, 5-foot-9, size 2, green-eyed former catalog photographer, web designer and marketing officer. Her job was to restore glamour to the throne and produce an heir.

Both accomplished their primary directives admirably.

Better? Let’s look at the facts. Fact: Xena can do a flying back flip and land behind her opponents to wreak havoc. Kate is stunning in evening gowns and bathing suits.

Fact: Xena stays buff by riding across the ancient world, rescuing the innocent from ogres, warlords and self-indulgent gods. Kate does an hour’s workout each morning using gym balls and dumbbells. She also does core exercises such as squats. She has also inherited an enviable metabolism that allows her to give birth and return to her model’s figure within weeks.

Fact: Xena has one outfit — a leather miniskirt with size 36C brass breastplate. Kate’s wardrobe costs untold thousands of dollars.

Fact: Xena is on a first-name basis with the entire pantheon of Greco-Roman gods, as well as historical figures from Stonehenge to early Christianity. Kate is the darling of the glitterati on three continents.

Fact: Xena will live forever in syndication. Based on all this, my vote goes to Xena as the better princess.

Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that portions of this column not affecting the outcome have been edited out.

Which is the better princess? Xena, Warrior Princess (left) or Kate Middleton? It depends on what you need her for.