Enough to-do’s for fall to fill a bucket

Happy fall, y’all! Almost! Friday is the first day of autumn, even if, unofficially, it has been fall since earlier this month when Starbucks frothed its first Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

Every year I make an autumnal resolution to slow down and savor the magnificence of the season. But it never fails: the to-do list gets longer, the days get shorter, and before I can bake impressive pies with from-scratch crust I never mastered from the apples I never got around to picking, fall has fallen … as have I on to the floor in fetal position in full Christmas-crisis mode.

This year, right here, I vow to augment my autumn experience. While significantly lowering my expectations.

ReadersDigest.com compiled a list of “28 Things You Must Add to Your Fall Bucket List” (rd.com/culture/ fall-bucket-list/). I’m going to share their suggestions and then my own.

1. Theirs: “Visit a farmers market.” Mine: Or a ranch. Watch a Food Network marathon of Pioneer Woman.

2. Theirs: “Pick your own produce.” Mine: Pick up your online Grocery Pickup order from Wal-Mart.

3. Theirs: “Make caramel apples.” Mine: Make a trip to Krispy Kreme for an apple fritter and a Frozen Caramel Latte.

4. Theirs: “Play in the leaves.” Mine: Track leaves inside your house, play like you didn’t notice and “leave” them for someone else to sweep up.

5. Theirs: “Cozy up your house.” Mine: Put your Oktoberfest beer in a koozie.

6. Theirs: “Make leaf art.” Mine: Instead of hanging frames of varnished leaves hang an empty frame and call it an abstract masterpiece.

7. Theirs: “Enjoy a bonfire.” Mine: Request a hearthside seat at Cracker Barrel.

8. Theirs: “Watch a scary movie.” Mine: Catch a basic-cable showing of The Witches of Eastwick, , a Cher-y movie.

9. Theirs: “Nosh on Halloween candy.” Mine: Often. It’s what separates the Smarties from the Nerds.

10. Theirs: “Carve a pumpkin.” Mine: Electric opener, meet can of pumpkin pie filling.

11. Theirs: “Roast pumpkin seeds.” Mine: It might sound seedy, but just buy them at the store, pumpkin.

12. Theirs: “Make a creative Halloween costume.” Mine: Rather, make an out-of-sight Halloween costume. Be The Invisible Man. Or radio waves.

13. Theirs: “Visit a haunted house.” Mine: Ghost anyone who gets on your nerves.

14. Theirs: “Start a gratitude journal.” Mine: “Dear diary, I’m thankful for my memory … that won’t let me recall where I put this thing by tomorrow.”

15. Theirs: “Take a stab at an old family recipe.” Mine: Use a butter knife to loosen the jiggly cranberry gel from the Ocean Spray can — a Christman family Thanksgiving tradition.

16. Theirs: “Volunteer as a family.” Mine: Spend quality time with the kin you love the most — Sugar Daddy and Baby Ruth.

17. Theirs: “Host a chili cook-off.” Mine: Hormel No Beans versus Hormel With Beans.

18. Theirs: “Perfect your stew recipe.” Mine: Begin on Pinterest. Oooh, “Fuller + Longer Ponytail” … “12 Ways to Lose Three Inches Off Your Stomach in 14 Days” … “The 75 Absolute Best Dollar Store Crafts Ever.” Hours later, forget why you logged on and what day it is and feel perfectly stew-pid.

19. Theirs: “Tailgate at a football game.” Mine: Glue your tail to the couch.

20. Theirs: “Play touch football.” Mine: This sounds like something to tackle on the Razorbacks bye week. That already happened, so we’ll have to pass (interference!).

21. Theirs: “Enjoy pumpkin spice.” Mine: By now, pumpkin spice is the pits (see: Native Pumpkin Spice Latte Deodorant, $12, nativecos.com).

22. Theirs: “Go on a hayride.” Mine: “Hey, I gotta drive to Walgreens.”

23. Theirs: “Attend a fall fair.” Mine: Like Vanity Fair’s October issue, which contains that interview with Prince Harry’s girlfriend Meghan Markle.

24. Theirs: “Sip apple cider.” Mine: Guzzle Angry Orchard. It’s supposed to be good for your gut! No, wait, that’s apple cider vinegar. Guzzling hard cider just gives you a gut.

25. Theirs: “Make your home smell like autumn.” Mine: Does Yankee make Decaying Unraked Leaves, Dark Entirely Too Early and Cracked, Chapped Lips candles?

26. Theirs: “Take a nature drive.” Mine: Burning fossil fuels? Save energy — at least your own. Watch the National Geographic Channel or Animal Planet or your laptop’s rainforest wallpaper.

27. Theirs: “Get lost in a corn maze.” Mine: Stick your face in a bag of Fritos.

28. Theirs: “Hang a festive wreath.” Mine: Hang a festive wreath early for Christmas … because the one from last year is still there.

I’ll be pumped if you email: jchristman@arkansasonline.com What’s in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman ’hood.