The rest of the stories

With apologies to Paul Harvey

Hello fellow Americans! Stand by for newzzz! What were your first thoughts when you heard the story, the strange story out of Arkansas, the strange story out of Arkansas that dealt with South American monkeys? How did South American monkeys get to Arkansas, you ask? Why, they went north, of course.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has put an end, a permanent end, to that nicotine study at a research center near Pine Bluff. They were putting squirrel monkeys through some sort of animal research there using nicotine, and four of the animals ended up dying. Surely more details will come out on exactly what happened, but a person would be hard pressed to disagree with the one and only Jane Goodall, who wrote to the feds about the nicotine being pumped into the monkeys’ bloodstreams. Was this absolutely necessary? Or to quote the renowned primate researcher herself: “To continue performing nicotine experiments on monkeys when the results of smoking are well-known in humans — whose smoking habits can be studied directly — is shameful.”

It’s also over. Let’s hope it stays that way. Page Two: It’s no secret that the world continues to apply pressure on the regime in North Korea, the regime that could be called cruel and unusual. Because of the rogue nation’s attempts to appease its rogue leader with a rogue nuclear bomb program, the world has imposed sanctions, trade sanctions, sanctions that keep certain items from making their way to Pyongyang and beyond. The other day, a Christian group from the United States tried to send care packages to North Korea, care packages that contained hygiene kits filled with items intended to aid those with hepatitis or tuberculosis. But there’s a ban on trading metal with North Korea. So thousands and thousands of boxes were held up at a Chinese port after authorities discovered in those thousands and thousands of boxes . . . nail clippers. After much bureaucratic discussion, the packages were finally sent. Clippers and all.

You’ve no doubt read the Harry Potter books, yes? And you remember the map he carried around that gave him the exact location of everybody in Hogwarts? Imagine if the terrorists had something similar and could track our military personnel. Well, they might just have something along those lines.

In what they’re calling a Major Security Oversight, the military brass in this country says that some fitness companies allow a body to track where they run and walk, as seen on a couple of cute American TV commercials. If you look at the map online, the West is one big bright spot as people track their daily jogs, well, daily. But in deepest darkest Afghanistan or war-torn parts of Syria, where the Internet is spotty and electricity only less so, there are clear places where fitness activity can be traced. And it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that that’s where American soldiers are, maybe going out for a 2-mile run on frequent occasions.

Imagine, being tracked by terrorists by using Fitbit. Page Three: The Mardi Gras season is underway. For a few more days, king cakes will be appearing in offices and kitchens across the South.

For the best of Mardi Gras parades, a body would have to travel to New Orleans on Feb. 13, which is, of course, a Tuesday. More precisely, Fat Tuesday.

But if somebody throws some beads at you, please catch them, mister. And take them home. The city of New Orleans contracted with a company to clean out thousands of clogged catch basins in the city last fall. And since September, the company has used vacuum trucks to pull up leaves, trash, bottles . . . . and Mardi Gras beads.

More than 46 tons of Mardi Gras beads. And that more than 46 tons of Mardi Gras beads — 93,000 pounds of Mardi Gras beads — was found in a five-block stretch of St. Charles in downtown New Orleans, between Poydras and Lee Circle. That’s more than 46 tons of trinkets clogging New Orleans’ drainage system, which isn’t very good to begin with. There’s not enough Drano in Louisiana to unclog something like that. Page Four:

This weekend’s Super Bowl will be held in Minneapolis, Minn. Yes, Minnesota. In early February. The NFL has made some strange PR moves in the last few years, but this takes the cinnamon lefse. Whose idea was it to host the country’s biggest sporting event in the coldest state among the lower 48?

Yes, yes, the game will be played in a dome. Tell it to those trying to get there. By kickoff Sunday evening, the temperature might dip to 7 degrees.

Maybe the NFL will learn a lesson this year. The lesson being: Miami, Arizona, Atlanta, New Orleans and Houston. Play this game anywhere north of Dallas, and you’re asking for trouble.

Have you heard about the newest product from Bose? . . .