‘The Talk’ requires a sexpert for family across the pond

“Where did you come from, anyway?”

I was about 9 years old and acting a fool, and that’s the rhetorical question one of my grandmothers, Kit or Margaret, jokingly asked me at a family dinner.

They — proper, daily-Mass-attending Catholic women that they were — couldn’t have been prepared for my answer.

“My mother’s uterus!” I declared proudly.

Fork dropping. Throat clearing. Face fanning. Pearl clutching.

While everyone else was blushing, my mother — a nurse — was beaming.

She was overjoyed I remembered the correct terminology from the technical, medical-book version of “The Talk” she had given me.

I remembered this when I recently read about a mother in the U. K. who posted a help-wanted ad on an online childcare board seeking someone to teach her 8-yearold daughter and 7-year-old son about the birds and the bees.

Like most parents, we were hoping we would have more time before this became a problem; ideally, I’d avoid it altogether! But we’re at the point now where they aren’t satisfied with the answer we’re giving them.

I don’t trust the school to do a proper job teaching either of our children about the complexities of puberty, intimacy and consent which is why we’re looking for someone to handle this for us.

Wait, she and her husband have two children? It seems they ought to know a little something about the subject, right? And heck, they have a 7-year-old … which they had right after the 8-year- old. That means they’re practically experts!

Initially I, a very judgy nonparent, wanted to shame these parents for being so cowardly and apathetic that they would outsource their children’s reproductive health education. But then I read this part:

All sessions will be at our home at a time when one, or both of us can be in the house. We will not be in the room with you but will be home so the children can come and find us if it’s getting too much for them.

And then I understood them to be quite concerned about their kids, just uncomfortable with awkward subject matter in a bold new world.

So how much does this gig pay? After all, I not only had a nurse for a mom, I read all the Judy Blume books.

My husband and I are willing to pay £2,500 to the right candidate who can handle this delicately and professionally.

Googling that currency conversion … as I write this, 2,500 British pounds is equal to $3,432.45. All that just to talk to some kids about S-E-X? With that kind of money, I could fly to London, take a daytrip to the family’s home in Bath and still have plenty leftover for getting sozzled at the pubs and shopping at Harrods.

Professor Uterus at your cervix, er, service!

But these parents seek a licensed childcare provider who can teach their children more than just the name of the organ where offspring are conceived. A whole lot more. From the ad:

The ideal candidate must be willing and able to cover: ■ How sex is between two people who are in love (preferably married but we’re modern enough to know that’s not always possible)

■ Consent (with a possible discussion of rape culture)

■ Sex with both genders

■ Periods (for our son too — we want him to be comfortable with this natural part of life for women)

■ STIs — what they are, what they can cause and prevention

■ Sexual protection — the pill, condoms, abstinence etc.

■ Explanation of male and female anatomy

■ Pregnancy

■ Other gender types — transgender, nonbinary etc. (this is an area we would really struggle in!)

OK, neither my mom, nor Blume (not even in Forever), covered all of this. I’m clearly not qualified to teach this class.

In fact, maybe I need to take this class.