Bachelorette: Less is more with 28 suitors at once SPIN CYCLE

Tomorrow is Memorial Day, a day devoted to heroism.

Unless you’re watching ABC, which will devote its evening programming to hotties, high jinks (what’s with the dude in the chicken suit?) and hot tubs.

The Bachelorette season premiere airs from 7-9 p.m. This time, the Bachelorette is Becca, a 28-year-old publicist from Minnesota.

Deep breath. Bachelorette Becca was dumped by her fiance Bachelor Arie after he dumped Lauren B., proposed to Becca, then dumped her to propose to Lauren B. Bachelor Arie had been dumped by Bachelorette Emily after she had broken up with her fiance Bachelor Brad Womack after his second season as Bachelor. After the first, he dumped both tearful finalists unceremoniously and then — hungry after all that heartbreak — scarfed down a sandwich.

Now we’ll attempt to handicap all 28 of Becca’s hopefuls by browsing their bios (arkansasonline.com/52718guys).

Alex: The 31-year-old has a big smile and a real job (construction manager) and a dog and a boat. He appears mature and responsible. And he’ll be gone Week One.

Blake: The 28-year-old sales rep does not have a flat personality. (“He’s a great swing dancer! Blake is hoping to sweep the Bachelorette off her feet!”) But unfortunately he has a really flat head.

Chase: He’s supposedly a 27-year-old advertising VP, but his bio is all about his college baseball career? We’re positive he’ll strike out.

Chris: The smirking 30-year-old sales trainer is “extremely passionate about fitness and health.” It’s not going to work with Becca; he’s already in a committed relationship with his powerlifting and protein shakes.

Christian: The 28-year-old banker retired from semi-pro soccer after an injury, and his biggest fear is “spilling something on himself in front of our Bachelorette.” We don’t expect to get a kick out of Christian.

Christon: We’re sure to be entertained by this 31-yearold who is a former Harlem Globetrotter and now is — whoosh! — a “professional dunker.” Let’s hope if Becca blocks his passes, he rebounds as the next Bachelor.

Clay: He’s a 30-year-old football player for the New Orleans Saints. And he’s also a Midwesterner; he’s from Chicago. And he recently tweeted a picture with his grandmas — awwww! Touchdown!

Colton: A 26-year-old former pro football player with the Indianapolis Colts who retired after an injury, he’s cute but he’s no Clay.

Connor: A 25-year-old fitness coach, he once played baseball with the Atlanta Braves and says health and fitness is his No. 1 priority, which means Becca won’t be.

Darius: A 26-year-old pharmaceutical sales rep likes to give back to the community. So why is he contributing to society’s moral decay by appearing on this show?

David: A 25-year-old venture capitalist “loves guacamole, but hates avocado.” I venture to say he — the one who shows up on Night One in a chicken suit — will be a bad match, but great TV. He stays.

Garrett: A 29-year-old medical sales rep loves the outdoors and “perfecting his Chris Farley impression.” To that all we can say in our best Matt Foley: “Well, la-di fricken-da!” Grant: This 27-year-old electrician is probably going to be too grounded for Becca; we’ll be shocked if sparks fly.

Jake: The 29-year-old marketing consultant is also from Minnesota. But if guys there were great, would Becca be on TV a second time looking for love? Jason: He’s 29 and a senior corporate banker. He digs “belting out tunes from his favorite Disney movies.” You know, like “Someday My Prince Will Come” — but it’s definitely not Jason.

Jean: Jean — who we’re calling Jean Nate — is a 31-year-old “colognoisseur.”

That doesn’t pass the smell test. Joe: The 31-year-old owns a grocery store. His bio says, “Successful in produce, but unsuccessful in love, Joe’s ripe and ready to be picked by the Bachelorette.” We’re not sure he’ll romaine in the competition very long.

John: The 28-year-old is a Silicon Valley software engineer. Control-Alt-Delete.

Jordan: A 26-year-old model, he’s prettier than Becca. We see him doing more posing than proposing.

Kamil: A 30-year-old “social media participant” … say no more. Unfollow. Unfriend. Block.

Leo: This 31-year-old stuntman who has been growing his hair for 10 years and “prefers the ‘messy bun’” looks like Yanni. Or as some of you might hear, “Laurel.”

Lincoln: The 26-year-old account sales executive who has lived everywhere from Nigeria to California, “would love to have a big family to make his mom proud.” This mama’s boy is already mentioning his mother in a brief bio? She must be a real piece of work, and we hope to meet her during hometown visits!

Mike: He’s 27 and a sports analyst. Which means he certainly has heard of O.J. Simpson and knows he looks like Kato Kaelin.

Nick: When he’s not in court, the 27-year-old lawyer is in “his signature tracksuits being the life of the party.” That’s not tracking with us.

Rickey: The 27-year-old owns an online personal training company. He might be “IT,” but we don’t think he’s “it.”

Ryan: Good news: The 26-year-old is a musician. Bad news: He’s a banjoist. To Becca, that will be instrumentally unattractive.

Trent: The clean-cut 28-year-old Realtor and model has — really? — appeared on romance novel covers. He’s OK, but he’s no Fabio. We are judging this boy by his covers.

Wills: He’s a 29-year-old graphic designer who is big into Harry Potter. Bet he instantly disappears.