Straw poll: Plastic tubes are out

When it comes to this straw issue, I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up.

Lately I find myself literally grasping at straws.

The plastic, ocean-polluting, politically incorrect drinking kind that are being phased out everywhere. I’m tempted to stockpile them because their end is near.

I realize that me admitting this might be the final straw in our relationship, but I dearly love straws.

No daily habit makes me happier than drinking my Diet Dr Pepper (which also is wrong, because of artificial sweeteners and other suspect chemicals) out of a plastic straw. Except drinking it out of a plastic straw that’s poked through a plastic lid on a — gasp! — foam disposable cup. No weekly indulgence makes me merrier than sipping a margarita from a cocktail straw — or two; sometimes they throw in an extra.

All Southern belles — proper or pretend, like me — at least discreetly like them. Straws help one’s lipstick to stay intact instead of smearing; who wants a glass full of gloss?

Of course, my fondness for the multipurpose plastic tubes predates any concerns about my pucker. As a child, straws were for blowing bubbles in Tang. (Side note: how is Capri Sun going to happen without that perilously pointy plastic straw?) And making craft projects. And making various noisemakers, like, ooh, like twisting and flicking straws to make that POP! sound?

But now single-use straws are as popular as cigarettes, Roseanne Barr and peanuts (which Southwest Airlines announced last week that it will stop serving beginning Aug. 1 out of concern for customers’ allergies) put together. A disturbing viral video of a sea turtle with a plastic straw lodged in its nose led to online petitions urging companies to stop distributing straws and creating unnecessary plastic pollution.

I must say even hard-headed me was touched by the hard-shelled one’s video. Sniff. I don’t want to harm turtles. Perhaps I’m being shell-fish.

Last week, Starbucks announced that it will stop using disposable plastic straws by 2020, “a decision that will eliminate more than 1 billion straws a year,” according to a statement. For most cold drinks, Starbucks will be using recyclable strawless lids; for Frappuccinos, which will be served with a straw made from paper or PLA compostable plastic manufactured from fermented plant starch or other sustainable material.”

So in other words, customers will be able to drink out of something that resembles a child’s sippy cup. Or they can use wimpy paper straws that get soggy and disintegrate. Not to mention, paper straws cost considerably more to make; and you thought your Starbucks venti, half-sweet, nonfat, caramel macchiato was expensive now!

Wait, I’m lapsing back. Think of the turtles, Jennifer, the turtles! Besides, you don’t even like coffee.

Other businesses have joined the cause. At Hyatt hotels, plastic straws and drink picks only will be available by request after Sept. 1 and sustainable options will be introduced. American Airlines will replace its plastic straws with a biodegradable option by November. Royal Caribbean will eliminate plastic straws on its ships by 2019 and offer paper straws on request.

Restrictions on straws are in the works in several cities. Earlier this month a ban went into effect in Seattle outlawing straws and utensils at “all food service businesses, including restaurants, grocery stores, delis, coffee shops, food trucks, and institutional cafeterias.” For distributing plastic, offenders must pay a $250 fee — and that’s a lot of paper.

For a while now, I’ve been using a stainless steel straw with my Yeti tumbler. Not to save the planet, but rather to stop dribbling on myself by drinking out of the hole. A friend had an extra and gave me one; I’ve continued to use it as it’s well-designed and convenient. Perhaps I’ll just start toting it around with me all the time. Which means I have to find some kind of environmentally sound case for it, made of some inoffensive marine-friendly material.

When it comes to this straw issue, I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up.

What’s in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman ’hood.