It’s time we roast the spam

I believe I have found myself a lucrative new calling. I will offer my editing services to the people whose emails somehow end up in my spam folder.

Recently, I heard from my new friend Kosi.

Hello With All Due Respect, Kosi, this is not the best way to start a letter. The “hello” is fine. But when you say “with all due respect,” that means you’re about to disagree with me politely. How can you disagree with me when I haven’t said anything yet?

I have emailed you earlier without a response, I am writing to seek your assistance to transfer money to your Account worth $14.3 million dollars..

This is what’s called a run-on sentence, or comma splice. You have two complete thoughts. End each one with a period. Maybe you overcompensated by using two periods at the end of the second thought? It doesn’t work that way.

“Account” need not start with a capital letter. It’s not a proper noun; it’s just a noun.

Also, if you have that “$” before the amount of money, you don’t need the word “dollars” at the end. Sure, that’s a lot of money, but you still only need one usage of “dollar.”

Finally, you need to move a few things around. That second part makes it sound like you want to transfer something into my $14.3 million account. Oh, how I wish I had an account worth even a seventh of that. What I presume you mean to say is you want to transfer $14.3 million into my account.

This money belong to my late client who died some years ago and the bank instruct me to present a beneficiary or the money will be pushed into the bank treasury as an uncliam fund.

Now we need to work on verb tenses, Kosi. The money “belonged” to your late client. The bank “instructed” you to make this wonderful offer to me.

Also you need a comma after “years ago” because you’ve changed the subject from “this money” to “the bank.”

I contacted you because you have same surname with my late client he might be your relation and his now dead,

Although I am curious now about your client’s first name, I’m distracted by the way you said, “with my late client.” You should say, “as my late client.” Or, I suppose, you could say “You share a surname with my late client.”

But the end of the sentence just fizzles into chaos. Remember to

check for typos before you send out formal letters, otherwise you lose credibility. And end your sentence with a period, never a comma.

Please if you are interested to assist in this claim, then get back to me through my private email with your full personal date’s listed bellow to enable immediate commencement of the transfer proceedings,

Kosi, you need to work on your wordiness. This last paragraph could be much shorter. Also, again, concentrate more on your spelling. How about:

“If you’d like to help me with this claim, email me with the information requested below. Then we’ll start the transfer procedure.”

Next came Edward’s thoughtful offer.

My name is Edward Lampl, i have gone through your profile before sending this message to you and found out that you are capable of handling this project, I work with an INTESTATE & HEIR ESTATE BENEFICIARY TRACING company with branches in united kingdom and the united states I have an important business proposal that would be of mutual benefit to us, all I need is your TRUST and CONFIDENCE. It is risk free as

long as you would follow every instruction. contact me on if interested.

Ed, you’re making me a little crazy. I think you have a problem with uppercase versus lowercase. This isn’t a casual email. You’re writing to me about what is presumably millions of dollars. How about an “I” instead of an “i”? Nations start with capital letters, and so do sentences. At the other extreme, you don’t need to use all capital letters on that tracing company or on those other words.

Please also watch your verb tenses.

And an obviously distressed Sarah contacted me. Hello My Dearest One, My Name is Miss Sarah Kipkalya Kones, 24 Years Old Female and never married,I am writing this mail with tears and sorrow from my heart asking for your help at this time,i got your contact while searching for a trustworthy someone who will understand my present condition and come to my rescue here in the Mission Refuge Camp here in Burkina Faso. I have pass through pains and sorrowful moments since the death of my father.

Sarah, I just recently heard from your big sister, Wendy, and her circumstances sound surprisingly similar. Her writing style also eerily echoes

yours. Do you often see each other?

You start this letter with far too much familiarity. I doubt I am your “dearest one.”

I won’t print your letter in full because you asked me not to betray your trust. Please, though, before you send your next letter, I need you to use spellcheck, avoid letting your sentences go on and on, and remember to use the past tense when an action has already taken place.

And one more …

To the person offering me the chance to be the man I always wanted to be:

Sir, you don’t know me well at all. And I will not click on the attachment you say is “bellow.”

BERNADETTE KINLAW