Weird, wild stuff in the world of health, wellness

Years of smoking finally caught up with Fred, who keeled over at work one morning, clutching his chest. As he was rushed to a hospital, paramedics peppered him with questions.

“Do you smoke?” asked a paramedic.

“No,” Fred whispered. “I quit.”

“That’s good. When did you quit?”

“Around 9:30 this morning.”

HERE’S ANOTHER ONE

A doctor was giving a lecture to a group of medical students at a teaching hospital.

Pointing to an X-ray, he said, “As you can see, this patient limps because his right fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

Then the doctor turned to one of the students and asked: “Now what would you do in a case like this?”

Replied the student, “I suppose I would limp, too.”

BODY OF KNOWLEDGE

■ The body’s bone marrow produces 3 million blood cells every second — and destroys the same number.

■ In maximum ordinary breathing, the speed of air passing through the nose equals 10 feet per second, or Force 2 on the Beaufort wind scale, e.g., a light breeze.

■ Fingernails grow 0.02 inches per week, four times faster than toenails. This translates to 0.0028 inches in a day or 0.000119 inches per hour. The middle fingernail grows fastest; the thumb slowest. An ordinary garden snail moves at the relative lightning speed of 0.029 miles per hour.

■ A kitchen faucet would need to run continuously, fully open, for at least 45 years to equal the amount of blood pumped by the heart over the course of the average person’s lifetime.

■ The loudest scream on record was 128.4 decibels, just 11.6 decibels lower than standing 100 feet from a jet aircraft at takeoff.

BEST MEDICINE

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asked whether there was a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” said Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”

SELF-EXAM

Q: What is the smallest organ in the human body?

A: The pineal gland, snuggled near the center of the brain. It’s just one-third of an inch long. Its main role is to produce melatonin, the hormone that regulates sleepwake cycles.

Q: What’s the best time of day to have surgery?

A: A number of studies over the years have suggested early in the morning when, presumably, the surgeon is freshest. But a study published in 2017 looked at it from the patient’s perspective. Researchers found that patients who underwent open-heart surgery in the afternoon experienced better health outcomes than those who had morning surgeries. The findings, they concluded, were linked to patients’ circadian rhythms, which among other things appear to influence cellular processes, making healing faster in the afternoon than in the morning.

Q: How many senses do you have (besides common)?

A: The easy and wrong answer is five: sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell. In fact, you have many more. Estimates range from 22 to 33 and include senses such as equilibrioception (sense of balance), nociception (sense of pain) and kinaesthesia (sense of movement).

COUNTS

$335,000: Average annual salary, in dollars, for male primary care doctors, specialists and surgeons in the United States.

$243,000: For female primary care doctors, specialists and surgeons in the United States.

Source: Maryland State Medical Society

MANIAS AND PHOBIAS

Pharmacomania: abnormal obsession with trying drugs

Belonephobia: fear of pins and needles.

Sophomania: the delusion that one is incredibly intelligent (Not contagious, but there seems to be a lot of it going around.)

Amychophobia: fear of scratches or being scratched

Empleomania: an obsession with holding public office. More commonly known as incumbency.

Athazagoraphobia: fear of being forgotten or ignored

OBSERVATION

“A doctor’s reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.”

— Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) Here are five actual medical treatments, from the past:

1. Dead mouse paste, used by ancient Egyptians to soothe toothaches.

2. Sheep liver diagnosis, before blood tests and X-rays, Mesopotamian doctors scrutinized the livers of sacrificed sheep for what ailed their owners.

3. Partial tongue snipping was an 18th-century remedy for stuttering.

4. Paraffin wax was an early version of Botox and collagen, injected to smooth wrinkles and augment breasts where, not surprisingly, it formed hardened lumps called paraffinomas.

5. “Powder of sympathy” was a balm for sword wounds, composed of earthworms, pig brain, iron rust and bits of mummified corpse. It was applied to the sword, which then healed the wounded person through “sympathetic magic.”

Also, ancient Egyptian women were advised to coat their cervixes with crocodile dung to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Indian women were told to use elephant poop. As birth control practices go, both seem at least psychologically effective.

DUST IN THE MAIL

Indiana researchers are gathering data on the prevalence of lead, chromium and other contaminants in people’s homes. They’re asking residents in the United States and Canada to send in samples of dust found in their vacuum cleaners for free analysis. Senders get back a report, including suggestions on how to handle any contaminants found.

LAST WORDS

“At 50, everyone has the face he deserves.” These were writer George Orwell’s last written words. Orwell died in 1950 at the age of 46, with a face he didn’t quite yet deserve.