Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
Writer goes rogue
Editor only wants column by deadline
Conversation which might or might not have occurred with my editor: Editor: “Your column is due Monday. On what are you planning to write?” (Editors use grammatically correct sentence structure in all potentially hypothetical conversations.)
Me: “I haven’t thought about it yet.”
Editor: “Today is Monday.” Me: “You know, it kinda feels like a Monday.”
Editor: “Ergo, your column is due today.”
Me: “Ergo? Egad, I shall indite a column at once! ”
Editor: “On what subject matter are you writing?”
Me: “Since you’ve asked twice, I’m sensing you have a recommendation.”
Editor: “Writing about others is dangerous. You can write about yourself all day — that’s safe.”
Me: “It doesn’t feel safe. It feels like walking naked through Sam’s Club on Free Sample Day.”
Editor: “I’m saying the only person you can write about and not get hate mail is yourself.”
Me: “Au, contraire, Obi Wan! Remember the Carroll County email from years ago about a column on me and my relation, saying I was a hack writer of daily screed just like Greenberg and Martin?”
Editor: “You cannot write that.”
Me: “You’re right. It’s not truthful. I write biweekly.”
Editor: “No, I mean, every writer knows you can’t write about your readers. That’s taboo.”
Me: “Oh, I LOVE Taboo! It’s like Password and The $25,000 Pyramid. I liked how Dick Clark would — “
Editor: “Stop. Writing about the readership is off limits.”
Me: “No, I hear that’s very Monopoly. I’ll write about the folks who ask me where I went on vacation when ‘Lisa is away’ and Baxter writes the column.”
Editor: “Those would still be your readers and — wait, people don’t ask that, do they?”
Me: “They do. Every. Single. Time.”
Editor: “But they would know you still wrote it. I mean, they can’t possibly think the dog actually wrote it in your absence. That’s ridiculous.”
Me: “You can’t say that about my readers. Or my dog.” Editor: “WHAT?”
Me: “I have wonderful readers. And a very talented pooch. Ergo, you’re treading on thin ice.”
Editor: “You exhaust me. Just get me your column. And it would be nice if it contained something entertaining, informative and not offensive.”
Me: “You mean like, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys? Or count-sheep-to-fall-asleep kind of advice? ‘Cause honestly, that seems offensive to cowboys, and I can only IMAGINE the kind of email I would get when folks have to clean up after all those sheep.”
Editor: “I give up. Just submit anything. No matter how crazy and exaggerated.”
Me: “Crazy and exaggerated — now that, I’m good at.”
Editor: “You just ended a sentence with a preposition. Are you or are you not going to write a column today?”
Me: “Yes.”
Editor: “Oh, for the love of — “
Me: “I swear, sometimes they just write themselves.”