Please don’t send more memes

Igot caught up in a misunderstanding last week that started innocently enough when a 76-year-old lawyer sent me a meme.

And by meme, I mean one of those bits of Internet effluvium that gets passed around on social media and via email. This one was a photo of Ted Kennedy emblazoned with this poem:

If only Kavanaugh had gotten Drunk, killed the young woman, we could let this pass

I could see that this had been forwarded several times. And at the top of the message was this, apparently the lawyer’s question for me:

“Looks like a man you probably admired greatly also ate at the ice cream table! Can you explain your support for this well known criminal and why this lesser stain (if true) should ruin an otherwise well respected professional career? Please do so with your extraordinary gift with words.”

Let’s unpack that statement. In my column last Sunday I quoted a federal judge of my acquaintance as saying that serving on the federal bench was like “getting paid to eat ice cream.” (I would prefer not to reveal my source but if anybody hits me with a subpoena I will roll on the old muleskinner.) So “a man you probably admired greatly” was probably a federal judge. Yes, there are at least a couple of those dudes I can stand.

But the attached meme implied the lawyer was referring to U.S. Sen. Edward Moore Kennedy. Where would he get the idea I admired Teddy? Let’s look at the record: In 1994, in one of these columns I criticized Kennedy for trying to make Mitt Romney’s Mormonism a campaign issue. In another 1994 column, about Bill Clinton’s Supreme Court nominee David Breyer, I mentioned that Kennedy admired Breyer’s mind. In 1998 I repeated the not untrue shibboleth that Kennedy’s car killed more people than most people’s guns. In 2008, I speculated that Hillary Clinton could challenge the Democrat incumbent president, just like Kennedy challenged Jimmy Carter in 1980.

That’s the sum total of the times I’ve mentioned Ted Kennedy in print in the past 25 years. But based on all I know, and stipulating that I was 9 years old when Kennedy drove off that bridge at Chappaquiddick Island with Mary Jo Kopechne on July 18, 1969, I believe he behaved disgracefully. That had it not been for his wealth, power and social status, he would have been convicted of, at least, involuntary manslaughter and sent to prison.

Although it has been nearly 50 years since that incident, I remember it. It makes me feel sorry for Kopechne, who otherwise might still be alive and enjoying a long and productive life. It makes me feel bad for any of her family members who might still be around to see their tragedy co-opted by someone trying (and failing) to make a political argument.

I don’t think Chappaquiddick is funny, counselor.

Now on to the question asked. Kennedy is dead, and I didn’t support him. While Kennedy pleaded guilty to a charge of leaving the scene of a crash causing personal injury and received a two-month suspended jail sentence, he was also a U.S. senator. That is not my fault. I don’t get to change facts and have no desire to or capacity for substituting my judgment for those of the people of Massachusetts.

As to why this “lesser stain (if true)” should ruin Brett Kavanaugh’s career, the whole point of last week’s column was that denying him a seat on the Supreme Court wasn’t ruining his career. It was sending him back to his old job. As I put it then, “no one is taking away his ice cream.”

“Please do so with your extraordinary gift with words.”

Obviously the lawyer is being facetious here. He obviously has no respect

for any facility with language I might or might not have. He believes (this is my opinion; that should go without saying since this is an opinion column in the newspaper, but some people don’t seem to grasp that) he has slain me with his unassailable logic.

Maybe you can understand why I at first thought this message came from a 14-year-old redditor rather than a first-rate legal mind admitted to the Arkansas bar.

I wrote back, asking him to show me one kind word I’d written about Ted Kennedy. (Had I known he was a lawyer I mightn’t have been so blithe—he probably has LexisNexis access.)

It was only in his next email that I realized he wasn’t 14. Turns out he has attended my Lifequest lectures before.

He responded with this nugget: “You would appear to be of [sic] a supporter of the left, which is fine, as it takes all kinds. So yes I assumed you might have been a supporter. What would you have to say about the Kopecne [sic] episode now, and please advise which of the situations was more serious, in your enlightened opinion? Do you think there should have been a similar hearing and process for Kennedy?”

Fine. As I’ve written and told everyone who would listen, if I had to pick a president from that last batch of hopefuls, I would have gone with John Kasich, with Martin O’ Malley second choice. (I had serious problems with both of these guys too.) So I guess that makes me antifa.

And, counselor, what did your eighth grade shop teacher tell you about assuming?

And seriously, who or what is “Kopecne”? Are you trying to write “Kopechne”? Are you drunk?

Are you asking me whether what was most likely manslaughter is more serious than hypothetical aggravated

sexual assault or attempted rape? Allow me to go Socratic method for a second: In one case the victim is dead. In the other the victim is, while possibly traumatized, at least together enough to have a professional career and a family. So what do you think?

And I’ve already covered what I believe should have happened to Ted Kennedy. Not that I see how any of that has anything to do with Ted Kennedy.

I thought the onus was on Brett Kavanaugh to demonstrate his worthiness before getting a life appointment to the Supreme Court. I didn’t think sitting there being smug and not answering questions was enough, given

his partisan history. There was a time when a partisan history wouldn’t have been seen as a merit badge.

I guess the lawyer and I worked it out. I told him he shouldn’t send memes—that’s not the way serious adults reason together, that they don’t support nuance. (So don’t send me memes if you don’t want to be mistaken for a teenager.)

He sent this:

“Sorry, I don’t know anything about memes or emojis, since I didn’t use either.” (As Dave Barry says, I’m not making this up. You can see the original email here: tinyurl.com/ybd7rxtk.)