Bride-to-be plans walk down the aisle after dad’s death

Dear Abby: My boyfriend and I are talking marriage soon, and I’m already stressing over who will walk me down the aisle.

I always planned for it to be my dad, but he passed away a month ago. I have never had a close relationship with my stepdad. He mentioned years ago that he’d like to walk me down the aisle, but I honestly would rather he didn’t. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also don’t want to feel like I am replacing Daddy, who I was very close with.

Is it taboo to walk down the aisle alone? — Marriage In Minneapolis Dear Marriage: Brides can (and should) walk down the aisle with the companion of their choice. When the bride’s father is deceased, the escort can be her mother or a close male relative. I have also heard of brides escorted down the aisle by their canine companion.

You are not obligated to have anyone walk you to the altar because the person asks. If your stepfather repeats his request, tell him the truth — that it would be too hurtful because it would feel like he was replacing your father. In fact, some women feel being “given away” is an anachronistic custom.

Dear Abby: My husband and my mother had a good relationship before we were married. But since our wedding, he complains about her nonstop while pointing out ways that I am like her.

Recently, while we were visiting my parents’ home, Mom overheard him say very critical things about her. She got upset and shut down for the rest of the visit. We both apologized separately, but she said she was tired of being criticized and tired of him being mean to me

My husband and I have tried counseling with no progress because he feels our problems are “my responsibility.” He is a good person, but it hurts me to see my mother upset and to have the two most important people in my life so at odds. Advice? — Torn In Nebraska

Dear Torn: I’m glad to offer some, but first you will have to accept that “good” husbands don’t act like yours does. If there are things he doesn’t like about your mother, he should take them up with her directly. I don’t blame her for feeling hurt. How else was she supposed to respond?

What your husband did was destructive, not helpful. The same is true for the way he treats you. Counseling hasn’t worked because of his unwillingness to accept any responsibility for your problems as a couple. My advice is to talk to a licensed therapist on your own, which will help you to see your situation more clearly than you appear to do.