Mercury’s speed to blame for universal mishaps

Good news: We’ve made it through 16 days of Mercury in retrograde.

Bad news: There are still, counting today, five days left!

I promise I’m not vying for the job of our Horoscopes by Holiday columnist Holiday Mathis. I put no credence in astrology. Nor do I embody my “sign” — an overly sensitive, emotionally needy and moody crab — well, not all the time. And I don’t imagine I’ll ever again write about astrological phenomena … until March 5-28 when Mercury is in retrograde again.

What does Mercury in retrograde mean? Got me. I just know when I had daily horoscopes sent to my email — oh so many moons ago — it would send ominous warnings when Mercury was in retrograde with lots of exclamation points and all caps. Bad things were looming! Mix-ups and meltdowns were inevitable! The sky was, if not completely falling, then totally failing! RUN FOR COVER!

Around the same time, I noticed friends referencing it and blaming situations on it too. If freakishness began happening, oh, must be that mischievous Mercury in retrograde again!

There’s even an IsMercuryInRetrograde.Com. Log on now and it says, “YES. That may account for the weirdness … Mercury turns direct at 1:22 PM PST (North America) on December 6, 2018.”

As for what it means, here’s an explanation from astrostyle. com:

Three or four times a year, Mercury passes the earth in its orbit. As it rounds the bend, Mercury slows down and appears to stop (station) and spin backward (retrograde). Of course, it really ISN’T moving backward, but much like two trains or cars passing each other, this creates the optical illusion that one (Mercury, in this case) is going backward. In astrology, Mercury rules communication, travel and technology — so all of these areas go haywire for about three weeks.

Writes Susan Miller at astrologyzone.com:

Mercury rules all types of communication, including listening, speaking, learning, reading, editing, researching, negotiating, selling, and buying. … Included under this planet’s domain are all types of code, including computer codes, as well as transportation, shipping, and travel. … When a planet retrogrades, astrologically it is in a resting or sleeping state. Therefore, while Mercury naps, the activities that it governs don’t have the benefit of a well-functioning, wide-awake planet to supervise them. Expect a certain degree of pandemonium to ensue!

On Nov. 17, I experienced constant culinary calamity. My tried-and-true, no-fail Chicken and Dumplings recipe morphed into Chicken and Dumpling, singular, when everything stuck together in one giant, floury mass/mess. My Instant Pot gave me the dreaded “BURN” error while making a simple broth, and a jar I poured broth into imploded the second liquid hit it. I’d call that pandemonium — at least cooking pan-demonium.

I texted to a friend in jest: “Is Mercury in retrograde? I’ve had multiple kitchen mishaps today!”

“Oh snap, it is!” she replied, with a screen shot of Mercury Retrograde 2018 dates from findyourfate.com. It had started Nov. 16, the day before.

The setbacks kept happening. Perhaps it’s a coincidence that I’ve had more problems during this period, but it’s more fun to blame Mercury than myself.

I’ve had a car warning light come on. It’s fine.

I had a minor freaky medical occurrence. I’m fine.

I broke a nail. It’s ugly, but it’s fine.

I fell off a step ladder while Christmas decorating. I’m fine. And well-padded.

Also while decorating, a wall hanging fell, sending a cherished family heirloom crashing to the floor. OK, so it’s not really a hanging, but rather it’s propped against the wall. And it wasn’t an heirloom at least from my family — it was a milk-glass piece I bought at a thrift store. And I bought it for maybe $5, so it wasn’t even that cherished.

My favorite Real Housewives of Dallas star D’Andra Simmons — the one with the supernaturally shiny hair and pistol of a mother — began following me on Instagram and actually liked some of my photos. Admittedly this has nothing to do with planetary shifts; I just had to share and this column was my first chance. Oh my stars!

I had someone in Chicago fraudulently use my credit card in the amount of $5.08 at a Village Inn. Then they headed for the Griddle 24 urban diner known for its out-of-this-world “boozy shakes.” Considering they racked up an $189.05 tab, I’d call them “bougie shakes.”

The first charge, which initially went through, has since been reversed, and the second charge was flagged and declined. For fraud protection, I’m thanking my lucky stars.