Grandma is collateral damage in man’s war with mother

Dear Abby: I’m close to 70 and have three grown children. My oldest son has cut himself off from our family. His reason: Two years ago, after I had surgery for lung cancer, he claims I told him I wished I had never had children. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

My other children decided the hospital was overmedicating me and that most of what I was babbling was nonsense. I only remember bits and pieces and have no idea whether my recollections are accurate.

I have no problem dealing with my son’s attitude; I’m a realist. The problem is the way it’s affecting my 90-yearold mother, who lives with me. She feels he has cut her out of his life too.

How can we convince him he’s hurting his grandmother

when he won’t talk to either of us? She doesn’t deserve such treatment, and he has no right to hurt her this way. — Bewildered In Florida

Dear Bewildered: If this is the only reason for the estrangement from your son — which I doubt — have his siblings talk to him and point out that: (1) You were so drugged up after your surgery that you were not in your right mind, therefore you shouldn’t be punished or held responsible for any gibberish that came out of your mouth, and (2) it is wrong to punish Granny for something that has nothing to do with her. Perhaps they will be able to get through to him.

Dear Abby: My husband is a successful man. He is charming in public, but at heart he’s a very private person. He is proud to show me off at parties, but without fail, at the end of the night he will tell me that somewhere during the evening I “crossed the line.” Perhaps I spent too much time talking with another man, or said something inappropriate. Invariably I get a lecture.

I told him that I hate to go out now because of it. He took offense and said, “You are not the victim here. You are the perpetrator.”

Sometimes I do say things that come out wrong, but I don’t mean them. I am not interested in any other man. I love my husband. What can I do? — Life Of The Party Dear Life: Not knowing either of you, I cannot deter- mine if your husband is extremely controlling or if you are doing something out of line. You and your husband could benefit from discussing this with a licensed marriage and family therapist. If he refuses to go you should go without him.

If your behavior was really unacceptable, he would not want to “show you off at parties.” You shouldn’t have to worry that you’ll be lectured the next day for just being yourself. Something is definitely wrong here, and I don’t think it’s with you.