Plans for retirement stall after affair is discovered

Dear Abby: I just found out that my husband of 37 years is having an affair. I have supported him in every way I could — raising our daughters, taking care of the household and holding a fulltime job while he traveled for business and his hobbies.

We have been discussing retirement and maybe a move to another area. While I fell out of love with him several years ago because of his selfishness and lack of respect for me, we have still been good partners and parents. I do not like him spending our money on another woman and don’t want this to get back to the children.

Should I continue to pretend I don’t know, or do I confront him? I doubt he would end the affair. And yes, there are a lot of assets

involved if this comes to divorce. — Knows The Secret

Dear Knows: What a sad story. You say you fell out of love with your husband several years ago. Is it possible that he sensed it?

Because there are “a lot of assets” involved, consult an attorney about what your spousal rights in case of divorce. Then tell your husband that you know what has been going on and offer him the option of marriage counseling. His reaction will tell you what to do next.

Dear Abby: My mom and I had a very close relationship until two years ago when I found out she was hanging out with my ex-husband who ruined me financially with his gambling habit. Mom was first in line to tell me to divorce him. She never liked him. He made my life a living hell by not paying child support or spending time with our kids.

Now they go to the casino together, and she’s got him going to her church. She sings his praises — “he’s a changed man!” Even after I told her how much this behavior hurt me, she told me she was sorry I felt that way. She claims there is nothing to their relationship except friendship. How do I get past feeling replaced and disrespected? — Miserable In Minnesota

Dear Miserable: Your mother may consider your ex to be “changed,” but I have to question how much someone with a gambling problem has changed if he is accompanying her to a casino. She must be desperate for company to befriend someone who treated her daughter — and grandchildren — so badly.

The way to get past feeling replaced and disrespected is to get on with your own life and spend as little time as possible looking back. Your mother has made her choice, and she isn’t going to change. Now it’s up to you to find things to fill the void she left.