Talkmistress’ gift guide for 2020 season

Wow, somehow even this year flew by. ’Tis the season once again, which means it’s time for the Talkmistress to offer her somewhat annual Christmas gift guide.

These selections, grouped in no particular order, range from big, honkin’ expensive gifts to stocking stuffers; several have been borrowed from other lists.

Submitted for your perusal:

THE LET’S TALK 2020 CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE ■ Assouline Custom Travel Library, $295,000, neimanmarcus. com

One of the fantasy gifts from the Neiman Marcus Christmas Catalog. This gift, available to Neiman Marcus InCircle members, comes from Prosper and Martine Assouline, who “created their renowned publishing house with the goal of being the first luxury brand to supply everything for a contemporary library, from books to furnishings.” Your very pampered giftee can meet with the Assoulines to figure out how they want their library to look, then they’ll have a book collection, furniture and fancy knickknacks curated just for them by the publisher. Private airfare is included. “What could be better than escaping to exotic locales and cultures without ever leaving home?” is a question asked in the product description. (Well, for me, it’d be literally leaving home and escaping to exotic locales and cultures. But we’re in the age of social distancing, so … )

■ Corgi Dog Butt Bottle Opener, $28, houzz.com

Maybe Queen Elizabeth II, noted Corgi lover, would appreciate this one. The wall-mounted, painted resin depiction of the north end of a south-bound version of this canine breed features a steel opener and should turn any beer or Coke-bottle-popping experience into a loving Corgi tribute.

■ Dad Bod Fanny Belly Waist Pack, $10.99, Amazon.com

Also known by its many search-attracting Amazon.com labels — “White Elephant Gifts Exchange Funny Bag Gag Gift Dad Bod Fanny Belly Waist Pack Gifts For Men Christmas” — yeah, it’s a fanny pack depicting a hairy, protruding dude’s belly. It can be worn on the fanny … or over the real belly to tell the world, “Hey, I actually have a six-pack and am having fun mocking my flabbier counterparts,” or “Hey, I already have a natural version of this belly; I’m just gonna emphasize it.” If your giftee asks, “Hey, don’t they make these for POC (people of color)?,” you didn’t look hard enough. The “Anyprize Dad Bag Unisex Fanny Pack Hairy Beer Belly Bumbag Adjustable Belt Waist Traveling Sport Bag,” $12.99 at Amazon, comes in “brown” as well as “white.”

■ Krispy Kreme or Pancakes and Maple Syrup Jelly Belly beans, $2.99-$9.99, offthewagonshop.com or jellybelly.com

These bags of Jelly Belly beans are flavored like glazed doughnuts by Krispy Kreme or pancakes and maple syrup but are “gluten free,

peanut free, dairy free, fat free and vegetarian friendly.” Wow, they’d be perfect diet substitutes for the real thing if they weren’t still loaded with plenty of … sugar! But your gift recipient can enjoy them (along with the real thing) while waiting for their “New Year, New Them” eating plan to begin on Jan. 2.

■ Face pillow, $49-$59. at budsies.com

Seriously, this is a great little piece of compensation for the long-distance marriage or relationship, as well as for those who can’t be with their children or grandchildren due to this accursed pandemic. And you can even allow your teenager to have a pillow bearing the face of their boyfriend or girlfriend, assuring them firmly that this is the closest they’ll ever be getting to entertaining that person in their bed.

■ Phone Spa Treatment via the PhoneSoap Smartphone Sanitizer, $80-$100 at uncommongoods.com

Yes, phones can get nasty, and it ain’t like you can wash your phone for 20 seconds, singing “Happy Birthday to You” twice. This highly rated combination sanitizer/charger fixes that. Ultraviolet lights clean the phone once it’s enclosed inside the sanitizer, which also charges it via a cable. Your gift recipient can continue to rock out to music, thanks to the sanitizer’s acoustic amplifiers. Now if only they’d come up with a seaweed wrap for that iPad.

■ Neckline Groomer, from $25, lvlshaveco.com

Hey, I need this, wearing a short Afro nowadays and all. One can shave the back of one’s neck — the “kitchens,” for those in the know — in less than a minute with this device, which looks sorta like something Dr. McCoy waved over patients to heal them instantly on “Star Trek: The Original Series.” All your giftee must do is “align under hairline, slide down, and [they’re] done.” Want a two-item set? They still sell Flowbees (flowbee.com) and George Clooney admits he’s used one for years!

■ A 2020 scented candle that depicts the dumpster fire this year has been, $24, jdandkateindustries.com

The candle is described as smelling, literally, like dirt. I love the frequently-asked-question section on the product page. “Q: Even though it’s a 2020-scented candle, can I still burn it next year? A: Depends on whether there’s enough oxygen left in the Earth’s atmosphere. A lot of things can still go wrong in 2020.” And here’s the perfect companion piece for your gift recipient: a 2020 Dumpster Fire Sticker, $3.99 at Off the Wagon.