Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
Gossip calls made under guise of status updates on mom
DEAR CAROLYN: I am number four of seven children, six girls and one boy. Our oldest sister is mentally ill and has been verbally abusive to us our whole lives. Our mother has pitted us against each other as well, which has made for a largely dysfunctional family. Our dad checked out long ago and has no contact with us. Now, at 59, I find myself largely ambivalent to my siblings and their constant drama.
Mom is in hospice and has no money. Our brother and his wife have taken Mom in, for which I give him credit. She is ornery on a good day. My sisters are constantly backbiting and nasty to each other. I live out of state and with the current pandemic, I will likely never see my mother alive again.
I have tried ending conversations that are ostensibly to update me on Mom’s status but that quickly becomes nasty gossip, which I cut off.
You would think they would get the message, but they don’t. Any advice on what else I can do?
— Wishing for Peace DEAR READER: There aren’t many delicate ways to say this, so I’ll try this one: These status updates are a problem that will, apparently quite soon, take care of itself, so I think the best thing you can do is continue with your practice of cutting off the gossip the moment it gets ugly.
It’s the right thing to do regardless. Choosing not to participate is the first line of defense against distasteful conversations.
The only new thing I’d add is to give up, deliberately, any hope they’ll “get the message.”
You also always have the option, of course, to estrange yourself from any family members who are “backbiting and nasty” more than they are kind. We all have that prerogative, to keep negative influences out of our innermost rings. But you don’t need me to tell you that, so I’ll assume you have your own reasons for not completely cutting these ties. It is an extreme gesture and painful for those who might not be healthy enough themselves to behave better, and so it’s best reserved for when your own well-being demands it.
I also think there’s a different answer for your brother. He may have earned your ambivalence to him, certainly — but whatever “credit” you’re giving him and his wife, it’s not enough. Because it can’t be enough. Taking on the care of a critically ill relative is a form of everyday sainthood in itself. To take in such a relative who has brought misery to every life she touches? If he wants to unload some stress, then the least you can do is hear him out. And if there’s any other way you can support his effort from afar, be it to pick up some of the expenses or handle some remote tasks or just keep the sisters off his back, then consider doing that, too.
Again, it’s not an eternal commitment. But more importantly, it’s a bit of selflessness that might ultimately unburden you. If you can look back on these trying days and know you chose even arm’s- length grace, then none of them — neither Mom nor siblings nor your own doubts — will be able to take that away.
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