New homeowners get an earful from encroaching neighbor

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband and I bought our first home together. We love it and are excited to improve the house and the property.

One of our neighbors is an elderly woman who had previously assumed that part of our property belonged to her. Without conducting a survey, she planted several trees on what is, in fact, our land, and they have grown to block our views. She also erected an unpermitted fence that crosses onto our property. We have since pruned and/or removed a few of the trees.

This neighbor constantly engages us in protracted “discussions” in which she admonishes us for not having consulted her before making changes to our landscape. We have shown her the property maps, and she is coming to understand the boundaries. Still, every time she sees one of us outdoors, she chastises us, offers endless unsolicited “advice” and insists we include her in all decision-making regarding our yard. We now actively avoid her.

We would love nothing more than to be left in peace and for our interactions to be friendly, infrequent and brief. How do we get her to back off? — STRESSED IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR STRESSED: You seem to be a nice young couple, but it may not be possible to make nice with this neighbor who made a serious attempt to appropriate your property. When she sees you outside, be polite but “busy.” Tell her you have a lot to do and don’t have time to talk.

If she continues to inject herself into decisions regarding your yard, make clear that they are yours alone to make. After that, if she still doesn’t get the message, discuss with your lawyer whether sending her a letter on his/her letterhead would be appropriate to discourage the harassment.

P.S. It is very important to get her fence removed from your property if it hasn’t already been done. Your lawyer can explain why.

DEAR ABBY: I started dating a man three months ago. He’s a great guy and very caring. When he opened up to me recently about the trauma he received from his family while growing up, I encouraged him to seek therapy, which he has been going.

A month ago, he began acting strangely. He was tired all the time and wouldn’t really interact with me. He comes over but only to sleep and stopped texting me as often. He said he is severely depressed, and he thinks his therapy is doing more harm than good.

I have been pouring love, care, attention and food into this guy nonstop without getting anything back. I don’t want to be yet another woman who leaves him, but I feel like I’m constantly setting myself on fire to keep this guy warm. He’s no longer the person I started talking to a few months ago. Would it be wrong for me to cut my losses and leave? — DOUBTING AND GUILTY

DEAR DOUBTING: Have other women left him because of his emotional problems? Your male friend is exhibiting signs of severe depression. Tell him that you are concerned about his mental state. While you’re at it, suggest he consult another therapist, because this one doesn’t seem to be helping, and you too are afraid the counseling may be making him worse.

You did the right thing when you suggested this man get help. You have only known him a short time, which is why you should not assume responsibility for his mental health. He appears to be in no position for a romance at this point, and this may not change for a long time. I do not recommend abruptly ending the friendship, but it is time to step back. You cannot fix what’s going on with him. Only he can do that with help from someone who is qualified.

Early January has me thinking of Janus and Sankofa.

Both point to looking at the past and at the future.

In Roman mythology, Janus is the god of beginnings, endings, doorways, transitions and such. He’s traditionally pictured with two faces to show him looking in both directions ... future and past. He’s thought to be for whom the month of January is named. (Well, at least one online source says that farmers almanacs of the day show that the month actually belonged to Juno. Dang, do the gals always have to take a back-seat to the guys?)

Sankofa is an African word from the Akan people in Ghana. According to Berea College’s Carter G. Woodson Center, “the literal translation of the word and the symbol is, ‘it is not taboo to fetch what is at risk of being left behind.’” The concept is symbolized in a bird, feet facing forward, head turned backward, with an egg in its mouth. “Thus, the Akan believe the past serves as a guide for planning the future,” according to the center.

I submit that the concepts of Janus and Sankofa now have a new sibling: We Don’t Want to Repeat That Mess!!! The symbol: Not a two-faced guy with a beard, or a bird that’s really flexible and ought to teach yoga … but a human figure looking back as it’s running like heck to make sure it’s still clear of the huge fireball behind it.

(A pair of secondary symbols, takes on the Old Year/New Year duo: There’s still a baby with a top hat indicating the new. But the old dude with the scythe is made up to look like a composite of every zombie extra who appeared in “The Walking Dead.”)

Building on last week’s Suggested New Year’s Resolution column, there are so many ways we can look back on the past as a guide forging a better future. Here are some for-instances.

Looking back: Just before the pandemic hit, I was going hither, thither and yon multiple times a week as a society reporter for the paper. I found myself wishing I could spend more time in our rented high-rise condo, which we hadn’t lived in for a very long at the time. Then came covid-19, forcing us all to be homebodies. I did take the opportunity to enjoy getting my wish. But as someone who loves to travel, I also had to fight restlessness and wanderlust (and a husband who has made sure I didn’t throw caution to the wind and become a superspreader-event attendee). Looking forward: I’ll keep in mind that too much of even what one wishes for can be, well, too much, and I’ll have more appreciation for where I am at any given moment.

Looking back: Many of us didn’t care where we got our “merch” from. Big chains or small businesses … if it met our needs, great. Then the pandemic wiped out so many small bizzes. Looking forward, we can plan to support the small businesspeople struggling to come up from the ashes of the shutdowns and do our part to keep them, and their employees, working.

Looking back: Either our relatives got on our nerves, prompting us to avoid them, or we were just too la zy

to keep in touch with them. Then the you-know-what ravaged families, taking so many of our loved ones away from us. Looking forward, we can keep utilizing our phones and Zoom to stay in touch with our surviving kin and when herd immunity is achieved, spend our “so glad to get out of the house” time with them … working out any differences that may exist.

Looking back: Some of us may have naively thought, hey, we’re the greatest country in the world, we don’t have to think about breakdowns in society order or scarcity of goods on the shelves. Right. Then came the Great Toilet Paper Hoardation, the scary results of multiple protests, the events that spawned said protests, plots to kidnap governors and such. Looking forward, we can be watchful and prayerful, not taking peace and order for granted. We can be prepared, but not hoard. We can appreciate our first responders while holding any bad apples among them accountable.

Looking back: We told our children fairy tales and let them bask in the wonders of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, cartoons, superhero action figures, game consoles. Then a sobering reality came crashing down hard, even breaking into the walls of innocence and fantasy we built around them. Looking forward, we can still allow our young progeny to enjoy themselves but also start early to incorporate the life skills lessons, the what-if lessons … and teach them the importance of compassion and caring.

One of my suggested New Year’s Resolutions was not to expect 2021 to be a magical improvement of 2020. The best thing we can do is look back on all the stuff that blindsided us last year and use these things to be better sighted for any unprecedented futures.

No, We Don’t Want to Repeat That Mess. But we can forge into this new year better positioned to meet any of its newfangled challenges.