Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
How can I help a distant, downtrodden friend?
OPINION
DEAR CAROLYN: Many years on from high school graduation, I have the opportunity to visit classmates, including a peripheral friend from our small graduating class. Many succeeded (traditional view) through life; some have not. This person was described to me as hard to reach and seemingly down on his luck, maybe even homeless. So when visiting this old “friend,” how do I approach it? Just listen, flat-out offer help, talk?
— Anonymous
DEAR READER: Visit?
You sure? Covid?
Assuming pandemic precautions: Treat him as you would any old friend — show an interest, let him tell you how to proceed. To be down on one’s luck already exacts a heavy price in security, social standing and peace of mind; regarding him as your equal in simple dignity and humanity is your best chance not to add another emotional cost to his bill.
Share of yourself, too, as you would with any peer. Since you have some knowledge of his circumstances, be mindful of them and sensitive in your choice of topic, of course — no robber-baron reminiscences — but that’s no different from the way you approach someone you’re meeting cold, right, whose circumstances you don’t know? You don’t just tromp into a conversation without testing the ground first. Same applies here.
DEAR CAROLYN: Sometimes I, a 30-year-old man, wish my close guy friends were a little more emotionally open. I always talk to my girlfriend about any problems or emotional concerns I have, but it would be nice to connect on that level with my bros. Yet whenever we talk about life, we talk about it factually, without touching on its emotional aspects.
How do I open up to them, and get them to open up more to me, without feeling like I’m forcing something?
— SentiMENtal
DEAR READER: Like anything else new — you just suggest where you want to go, a little bit, then see if anyone goes along. So, when a guy friend offers a fact, you read the moment and ask a leading question or you offer a feeling of your own, and wait for the magic to happen.
There’s no one-phrase-fitsall here.
There is, however, a general notion in … let’s call it the feelings industry, about how to encourage closed people to open up: facing a task, not facing each other. Even better if you’re hiking, jogging, paddling, grilling, tinkering, stacking wood, hunting, fishing, pumping iron, wrestling gators or whatever physical bro-tivities you have on the bro-genda.
OK, that was facetious, but the shared-task, no-eye-contact thing was not. It really does help pry things loose.
DEAR CAROLYN: So, a while back I wrote in about how my mom wanted grandkids and I don’t want to have them. (Pretty common issue, it seems.) Eventually, I told her how I felt, and she took it well enough.
Until yesterday. She brought it up again, and I responded by reiterating my position — I don’t want them. After trying to convince me I did actually want kids (which I didn’t appreciate), she ended the call, sounding upset — like I’d really disappointed her. There was no yelling or anything, just a firm “No, and that’s it.”
She later emailed to cancel a (pickup-only) lunch outing we’d planned, and which I was looking forward to. She didn’t say why and didn’t respond when I inquired if that was the reason. I can’t think what else it was.
I’m feeling very annoyed with her now. I know she wants grandkids and this stinks to hear, but it feels like I’m being punished for not doing something she wants me to do (and which would stink for a grandkid, having a parent who isn’t fully committed). I just don’t know what to say to her next time we talk.
— I’m Not Having Kids, and I’m Not Having This DEAR READER: Whatever you say, make sure it’s not about having or not having kids.
Because you’ve said everything and don’t want to say it again. It’s actually as simple as it appears. Stop explaining. Choose not to engage. “Mom.” Pause. “Next topic.” Repeat till you don’t need to.
I urge you not to complicate things emotionally, either. You say that “it feels like I’m being punished for not doing something she wants me to do” — and, I do get it, she canceled something you wanted. It feels like a consequence for your actions. But you’re ascribing a motive to her decision that you don’t have enough information to support.
So instead of “I’m upset that you punished me for not doing something you wanted” — which puts you into her business — say, “I’m disappointed you canceled.” Which keeps you within your business.
It takes practice to get into this habit. When in doubt about how to respond to something, stay on your choices, your feelings, your side of the line.
Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost. com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or email tellme@washpost.com