Guilt after friend’s death calls for self-forgiveness

Dear Abby: My dearest friend passed away five years ago. He was a severe alcoholic, and his death resulted from it. I was aware of how bad things had gotten, and I was trying to talk him into getting help. I live across the country but visited and spoke with him often. I was considering telling his parents how bad things were since they were mainly supporting him, but he was an adult, and I didn’t know if it would be appropriate.

While I was considering it, he passed away, and I haven’t been able to get over the guilt. I have a strong urge to tell his parents I knew how he was doing and telling them how sorry I am that I didn’t. Would it be selfish, like rubbing salt in their wounds? I have such regret that I didn’t do something more. I don’t know if their forgiveness would help me, or if I’d just be hurting them more. — Full Of Regrets

Dear Full: Please forgive yourself and stop secondguessing. You are guilty of nothing more than being a caring friend. The deceased was responsible for his own alcohol-related death. If his parents were supporting him financially, they were already aware their son had a serious problem. Because after five years you cannot stop flogging yourself: Discuss this with your religious adviser, or ask your doctor or your insurance provider to refer you for some sessions with a licensed psychotherapist with whom you can work through this.

Dear Abby: I have had a girlfriend for about three years, but I have begun to feel indifferent about our relationship. We have to travel at least 45 minutes to see each other. I have been trying to convince her to move in with me, but something new arises each time I bring it up.

Recently, a younger woman (she’s 21, I’m 32) showed an interest in me. I have talked to her and won’t let any relationship develop outside of being friends. She’s religious and I’m not, and that’s a deal-breaker for me. I’m torn between continuing to try to build my current relationship, trying to pursue the new one, or taking a step back from relationships to focus on my goals. Any thoughts, Abby? — Pondering In Pennsylvania

Dear Pondering: It doesn’t appear that you or your girlfriend of three years is really ready to take things to the next level. If you were, you wouldn’t be debating whether to trade her in for a newer model. As to the younger one, you stated that her religiosity is a deal-breaker for you. Your third option makes the most sense. Concentrate on your personal goals for a while. Your love life will work itself out in time.